What could be

You know those days where your entire being rebells against the to-do list, the mindless tasks, the endless sideshows, the constant sukkel with people that goes on and on when you have to keep a business going?

Yup, today's another one of those.

Some people would say "my kop raas".  But it's not noise in the head, it's all that stuff I could be doing, would rather be doing.

The older I get, the more tired of the ratrace, the endless chase after the numbers in the bank to cover the numbers going out of the bank, the often-meaningless routine, and the never-ending slog I get.  There is more to life than this hamster-wheel, but at the moment the hamster-wheel is unfortunately where we have to be.

To exit the hamster-wheel requires more numbers in the bank.  Many many more numbers.  Perhaps that's something we secretly all strive for, why we drag ourselves through commuter traffic each day...

It's not that I don't want to work though.  Doing "nothing" would drive me completely insane.  It's just that I want a chance to explore the things I'm interested in, or do the things I love.  And although most days I love what I do (always better than a desk job), there are other days when I simply want out.

Quite frankly, I think it's the stress that's the problem.  I never used to get stressed - anything that happened would be treated as "water off a duck's back" because I knew if I didn't, it would affect me in ways both physical and mental.  That has gradually changed.  I've started internalizing and blaming myself for a lot of stuff over the years, taken it all personally, to the point where I live with an almost constantly closed-up-throat feeling, random heart palpatations, aches and pains, etc etc (but this is not an organ recital, so will stop right there).  I'm convinced taking on all this stress has undone years of looking after myself.  I've aged drastically in the past year.  Arthritis at 45 has me on daily meds.

Hence the occasional flight of fancy that takes my mind completely out of the game it should be in.

I'll be scrolling down Facebook and see some fantastic photos taken out in the bundus - and my soul wants to be there doing that too.

I'll drive past one of the new "rich man's squatter camps" going up behind security booms and security fences, and that comprehensive plan for a completely different "housing development" that I'd love to build pops up in my head again.

I'll come across a beautifully-presented dish and realize how boring and uniteresting our meals are.  All those things I want to bake, make, cook, preserve..

Then the gardens.  Oh, the gardens.  With our Level 3 water restrictions mine is largely dead.  The only exception are the few plants in pots around my kitchen door that are kept alive with an allowed bucket-watering.  I have no time to tackle the increasing jungle of weeds, vines and overgrowth.  I dream of carefully tended greenery, rich soil and the kind of surroundings I know I could create given enough of those numbers, time and energy.

I'll be reading a random paragraph and realize how much I still want to learn about the world, about stuff in general.   

I see a posting by an artist of their latest work and realize I've lost my creativity.  The piano gathers dust.  The paints are probably drying out in their tubes.  I haven't written anything (including here) for so long.  I haven't worked with wood or clay or light.

I hit Google Maps to find a client address - and then notice all the roads I have never been down, the places I haven't seen.

I'm confronted with the constant noise of traffic outside the office, of people talking endlessly, of phones and machines and alarms - and my very centre longs for absolute silence with only the noises of the natural world around me.

Today's a daydream day. I'm feeling stuck.  The only way to deal with the continuous, monotonous slog is by letting that head "raas" just a little bit now and then while the hands carry on with their duties as normal.