Monday ramblings

I have a dream to one day own an organic self-sustainable farm - in Australia, not South Africa (with 500+ farm murders a year I wouldn't last a month here as a single white woman, out on my own!). I've been "window-shopping" on the internet and found some lovely remote farms in North New South Wales and elsewhere for sale, really cheap, no buildings (who wants to live in someone else's mistakes anyway), one of them nestled between rolling mountains. I've printed out pictures of one or two and stuck them up in my office to daydream over.

And today I would much rather be there than here! It's a beautiful day outside, much too nice to be stuck in an office. Everyone seems in a bad mood (perhaps it's those solar flares kicking in?), and it's spreading like an infectious disease. I've been feeling more and more left out because I'm "different" - I dread the next encounter with a critic. The administrators are cranky and making the strangest decisions. Students are irritating and irritable, staff are feeling lousy.

This weekend I had a wonderful time out in my garden, caring for my veggie bed, herbs and flowers, sitting enjoying the view (what a view!) and spending time with my son trying to identify the pair of eagles that live around here. I love going home to my little patch of earth, but coming back to the office it feels like a dark cloud descends as I approach it.

So - today I'd rather be farming. Working the earth, watching things grow, caring for beasts, being outdoors (though my sunburn would probably not be too happy about that), building, planning, experimenting, sustaining and just being. I love the feel of warm sun, my muscles working hard, the smell of wet earth, the sounds of nature all around - not another person in sight.

Perhaps it's an escapist mentality. Perhaps it's what I was meant to really be doing. Perhaps it's because I grew up running free in the "wilds" of Zimbabwe, interacting with animals (ie getting chased by buffalo and a rhino or two) and nature, revelling in thunderstorms and arid heat, that I long for a return to a simpler life.

I've been thinking about Darren's tent-making post over at Living Room. For ages now I've been trying to tie in my dream of farming with my dream of worship ministry. Perhaps after all there is a way to do this as a self-supporting worshipper/amateur minister/Christian dreamer, developing back-to-basics "church" in a rural setting with a handful of fellow-travellers on the Christian journey. But I still have to find out if I have what it takes to do either. And THAT is the Big Question!

Some days it's easier to stay in your rut and complain, than step out in faith and do what your heart is crying out for. Other days you'd step out if you could, but seem trapped in circumstances. Right now I'm playing a waiting game - waiting for a migration visa, waiting for God's direction, waiting for enough cash to fulfil dreams, waiting to live. I get frustrated just sitting and waiting. I want action, I want answers, I want direction. I'm tired of waiting, tired of my rut.

And today I'd just rather be farming.