The Chasm's Back

This weekend I was completely spiritually down-and-out. 2 weeks ago I had an incredible connection to God and now it seems the power's gone out and left me in the cold, shivering dark. I read, I study, I explore, and it's all just words - nothing's going in, it's skimming by as if my brain as been oil-coated.

I don't know why I have these mountainous highs and lows. I wish I could stay on an even keel, constant in my love and passion for God, feeling connected and hearing His voice.

Last night I reached a decided low. We had our final worship presentation up for the evening service and were there to practice early. The new pastor hijacked what has been my responsibility for months - he just completely took over and made me feel like an extra, unwanted leporous limb. And perhaps that just was the last straw. I started wondering what the heck I was doing there, feeling resentment and resolving not to get involved in the same way again. I felt pushed out and pushed down, lowered in usefulness to not only the worship team, but also to God. Like the ministry I feel He's called me to is just not what I can do, as if I'm a complete outsider.

I find myself disagreeing with the vision of the worship team - their drive to make the "presentation" perfect, to fill the blank spots with sound or movement and not allow silence, to be polished and perform, to practice everything to death and repeat a good programme until it dies an unnatural death. Where's the worship in all that? Where's God? Where's the leading of the Spirit? Has it all turned into a competition for greatness and better-than-the-next church?

My best friend got hold of me after the service to find out why I looked so down and p'd off. She reminded me that God doesn't think like men do, nor does He see what we do. She's right. I have to have a heart for worship, no matter what goes on. It's just jolly hard to do.

One redeeming thing last night was yet again the youth at this church. They're amazing! A call was made in response to our presentation, and the youth streamed down the aisles to kneel at the stage and talk to God. It wasn't a peer-pressure thing either - you could see that. I was on stage with the singers and just found myself trying to sing through tears as they kept coming and filling up the front.

I guess after 2 weeks in the dark of the canyon, the depths of the chasm, I was not only blown away by their response, but wanted to feel like that too. I wanted to be able to make the connection with God. I just don't know how to right now. I know He's there and He's close. I just can't feel Him and it's got me really down.