Back in Time

(Very little going on in the here and now, but was just thinking back and thought I'd write about how I got where I am. Not interested? Ah well, will blog it anyway.... read at your own peril - this is the short version! :) )

It all started with a Hillsong CD. I'd never heard of Hillsong before, but on a whim bought a special "the last 10 years" Millenium CD. At first it seemed rather wild, me being brought up in a conservative organ-only church. But at the same time it spoke to me of more than I'd considered, of a deeper relationship with God, of fresh thoughts, and an enthusiasm for worship I had never heard before.

Soon after, I found out there was a church in the area that could give Hillsong a run for their money, and decided to go check it out. First time I'd attended anything other than my denomination in my life! That first visit blew my mind. I came back with more questions than answers, saying "our church has a lot to answer for"... Perhaps not the right thing to do, especially when talking to the mega-conservatives high up in church authority.

Well, I started asking questions anyway, went back to the happy-jumpy church quite a few times and started experiencing quite a change. I found a passion for worship, a passion for God that meant I couldn't wait to get to my church and be in His presence - even if the lack of life there grated on my soul every week. Hey, I was there to worship, in spite of those around me! I got involved in what were potentially very-positive worship changes, started a worship team, started kid's church, got multimedia and fresh ideas flowing - and got blacklisted by the pastor and head elder. I think my enthusiasm scared them - I was no longer one of the docile unemotional flock who would sleep through the sermon.

After a rather scary "spirit" experience at the happy-jumpy church, I stopped attending, but continued to work with my church to grow and change, as much as the Church Board would allow...!

But there came a time when that was no longer enough. When I'd had my fill of being put down, when I tired of trying to keep a fire burning while the authorities chucked as much water as it as they could. I got frustration headaches every week at church. Even kid's church drove me nuts - the kids were so ingrained in a certain way of doing things that they simply couldn't respond to the new, deeper, more God-REAL church stuff I was trying to give them. They went through the same motions their parents did at church.

The time came where I had to leave, for my own sake. I was being spiritually killed off by the church - as horrible as that sounds. I took a total church break. But I was at a loss as to where to from there. So I asked God to take me where He wanted me - and got a big surprise where I ended up!

My son & I found ourselves at a vibrant, real, relaxed and God-full youth service and didn't miss a week for nearly a year. Once they found out I had a bit of musical skill, I was drafted onto the worship team (it's been a year and a half already with the team!) and "almost" integrated into their group - but not quite. I never quite fit in. And it didn't help that my heart was already on another searching journey!

I ran across the alt.worship and emerging church scene quite by accident. Mind-blowing! The deeper I dug, the more I learned, the further I sought. And then blogging - well, what can I say. I found Darren's blog while on a random Google search - the first blog I'd ever seen. After a few emails back and forth, he urged/helped me to get going. It's opened up such a new world of friends, ideas, links, concepts. I've found spiritual-soul-mate thinkers, and those that have challenged what I think.

And yet I still feel this is just the first signpost on a very long spiritual journey for me. I feel I haven't even really started yet. I've only got a toe in the pool.

At times, like recently, I feel I've slipped back way past the beginning, but then there's all this learning, knowledge and stuff stored in my head that tells me there's a lot more to come, and I'm not at the start again. My mom's convinced God's got some Big Plan for me in the future to serve Him. I hope she's right. I can't see it, but I can't go back either. I've changed, in a lot of ways.

So here I am, pondering the next rise in the road, wondering what's lying undiscovered over the hill before me. A few more rocks in my path? I'm sure there will be. A view of what's ahead? Maybe - but if not, I am convinced this is the path God's laid before my feet. Even if its destination is shrouded in fog, I need to follow.

All I ask of Him is strength, courage, and a hint of His presence so I know He's still there. Onward and upward!