Giving it up

I'm SO not in the place I want to be in my life, in so many ways!

Two things on this morning's blog-trawl hammered it home:

First, Steve's list of 20 suggestions for success. Then The Green Man's "Play" post. Yesterday it was Fluidfaith's "Motherhood Myths". (Go check them out - they're GOOD!)

There's so much more I want to be doing in and with my life. I feel trapped in an existance of living up to other's expectations - keeping my son slogging through school, keeping a steady, low-paying but surviveable job, sticking around in a secure place instead of taking a chance for something dangerous, but better.

Granted, I took a BIG step by stepping out of the church I was expected to attend and conform to. I flew the cage, and it made a lot of people horribly uncomfortable. They're still trying to get me back inside, scared of what's out there and wanting to maintain the status quo, though those who know me well realize how good it's been for me to get out.

But there's more I want to do, to experience, to be.

I have a chance to. I'm at an age and stage of life where I CAN make a gigantic change. Yet I hesitate. It's comfy in the rut, warm in the herd, doesn't require much effort to stay put.

This weekend my thoughts constantly revolved around options: what could I do to change where I'm at. Where do I want to be. What would it take. What can I do NOW to make it happen. As Dr Phil is so fond of saying "the difference between a dream and a goal is a time-line." You have to plan and set times to accomplish things, not just hope they happen one day.

In the next few months I'm going to be doing a serious life-spring-clean. I'm going to sit down and take a hard look at who I am, what I do, and why. I'm going to list what I want to be doing, who I want to be day-to-day and why. And then I'm going to examine all the options and see how to get there, either step by step, or by chucking in the towel completely on what I'm expected to do and literally starting again from scratch.

It's a very scary thing to think about, but having made one huge move that wasn't expected of me it might not be as difficult to make a few more.

Here's to the future!!!