Soul-Searching

While on holiday I had a little time for sitting and pondering (though not nearly enough - these days I crave Sanctuary and Silence). I've been doing some pretty deep thinking.

There's something Really Wrong in my life, and it's time to sort it out. I've been running around, chasing after ideas and dreams and "that looks good"s for such a long time, without ever really being filled up, satisfied. I try this, I dream that, I plan the other, and in the end it's tossed out like so many potato peelings, leaving the same blank and empty space. I've been mulling over this, trying to find that quick-fix solution, attempting to pinpoint the actual problem so I can sort it out. And I've come to the conclusion that there are two very big things missing in my life.

Passion (no, not that passion) and the Holy Spirit.

I'm living in apathy. Nothing moves me. Not even the most important Christian holiday, recently celebrated. I didn't do a single thing for Easter - didn't see the inside of a church, didn't spend extra time in contemplation or rejoicing. Gave it the occasional passing thought, but that was it. Thoughts, ideas, they're all "so what". I haven't had a deep feeling of anything for ages. That's the passion missing.

And the Holy Spirit - I don't think I've gotten hold of that one either. The words of my mouth and the feelings of my heart don't often line up. I say I love God, I say I'm saved - but I don't feel it. Reading 1 Corinthians last night hammered home that there was something Big missing - and it's the Holy Spirit.

So what to do? How do I find and gain these two elusive biggies, these potential life-savers/changers?

The Holy Spirit - that can only come as a gift from God, and I'll be praying to understand and receive this Presence in my life. Not the "thank you for a nice day and give me a good night's sleep" type of prayer, but a conciously-sought-out time with God, a complete focus on Him - and a re-learning of the how-to's of prayer.

And Passion - well, I'm working on that too. I may post more on that sometime, but it's starting with a inner life spring-clean - a re-ordering of my priorities, rediscovering the Real Me under years of layers of acquired crud, finding what inspires me... and it may lead to a major change in career pretty soon. If nothing else it's going to involve a rethink of where I'm going and why, and what I want for my family. And action, lots of action.

Hard, heavy stuff to think about - my mind shies away from going so deep. It wants to dabble its toes in the surface, but for my life's sake I have to plunge.