Worship - reprise

If you've hung around this blog in the past month or so, you'll know my struggle over being a part of the worship team - the stay/go issue.

It's back.

I'm only on duty twice this month, but it's duty and nothing more. I don't really want to be there. Nor do I want to attend the worship committee tomorrow, which I admit I'm probably privileged to be part of, seeing as how I'm not an official member of the church or anything - one of those dangerous "Ranger" types, you know... :)

I once tried to run the idea of leaving past a good friend there - but she has no clue where I'm at or what I'm feeling. She can't relate to what I have to say. She says "of COURSE you can't leave! Why would you want to" or something like that.

I've tried to pray about this, but I've never been too good at hearing God's voice anyway, and there's been the usual silence. However my gut is telling me to get out.

I can already feel the comments about "she only comes to church when she's on duty" that I've heard about others as the more committed members of the worship team discuss my absence. They don't know the half of it. They don't know that I have lost the enthusiasm to turn up. That I've forgotten how to worship like they do and the Who of worship is hidden from my sight. They don't know my heretical thoughts as I see money thrown around on new banners and coloured spotlights for the church, instead of meeting community needs nearby, or even needs in the church they helped build in a very poor area. They have no idea just how bad it is.

And yet I don't feel like I owe them too much of an explanation - I just feel that my season of growth and learning in that particular place is over, and that it's time to move on. Although to what, I'm not sure.

I'm becoming the unchurched! Oh boy... :) Can I afford to do this spiritually - am I strong enough to step back and still do OK? I'm not sure. Perhaps I still need a bit of spoon-feeding at a local congregation, or perhaps I don't.

Can I ask you to remember me in prayer (perhaps yours are at least making it through the ceiling) while I consider my next shaky steps?