Just Nothing

Last night was my last tour of duty as worship team pianist. Strange feeling, after being at it almost constantly for 2 years at this church, and another 3 at the previous church.

I loved the group I got to play with last night - an enthusiastic bunch of youth for God, who let their love of Him spill over into absolutely everything they do, who play and sing with abandon, and pray "shot, God, for an awesome day - it rocked!". I love the raw spirituality of the guy who led, admitting that he feels far from God, but hungering enough to run after Him with all he has, in every way he can think of.

I had a background role in the music. It was guitar-driven, vibey, worshipful - all I did was fill in the blanks. No "going out with a bang" emphasis on me and my piano skills - which I would have hated anyway.

I'm a bit sad to leave - I loved playing with the band. But I know too that it's necessary at this point in my journey. A part of me wants back in, but a bigger part wants out.

I feel such a need to get out of the church routine. To stop letting the church take responsibility for my worship, my connection to God, my connection to others. It's a safe, comfortable, familiar place, but it's no longer enough. I have to learn how to worship for myself, make that God-connection and others-connection without relying on the system.

But it's not at all easy! (which is why we often just want to stay put).

Last night I felt again that emptiness - the lack of connection to God that has been going on for months now at church (and outside church). And I wondered if I truly can learn to take responsibility for my own walk with God, or if it's better to be spoon fed for a while longer. I know the answer to that one - I have to learn - but I honestly don't know how it's going to happen.

I prayed last night for one last meaningful connection during the worship time, the kind that will tear my heart and open it to His presence. Didn't happen. Still just empty and apathetic inside.

And in bed last night I wondered - now what? The future seems so blank. I know what I'd like, where I'd like this journey to go next, but it's across a chasm, there's no bridge from here to there, and I've always been afraid to just jump. Still I'm empty and waiting.

I try, I plan and read and pray and try some more. But the passion is dead and my heart is cold. Stale-mate. A spark of a glimpse of glory now and then, but it's soon gone.

All I can do now is wait.

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(and then I saw this on OurDailyBlog)
Psalm 31:24 - Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!