A letter to my son

Dear Jason

My heart is feeling all jittery and scared today, a bad case of the nerves. Last night you were almost in tears and when I asked what was wrong you said you "have a bad life". I tried to dig to the bottom of it, asking if it was because you don't have a dad around (no), or if it's because you have to put up with just me (no). All I could get out of you was that it was "that son thing". You needed a lot of hugs and kisses, cuddling and just being - yet at the same time you chose to do the one thing you know really irritates me (a disinterested "uh-huuuh" in response to everything I say, seemingly the latest fad in your communication), testing me again to see where the boundaries lie. I don't know. Perhaps you really aren't interested.

I know I'm not the best mom in the world. I'm often distracted and busy, trying to keep us alive and getting through each day. I need my own space a lot of the time, just to recuperate from living my full-time working and full-time attempting-both-parenting roles. I mostly play this parenting thing by ear, and I often don't get it right.

I know you're growing up, very fast, and that means I won't always know what you're thinking. I know you've confided "things you can't know" to the psychologist who did your learning-skills testing recently. Although I desperatly want to know how your brain works, what's REALLY going on inside, I also am determined to protect your privacy and allow you to have thoughts you don't tell me.

But when I hear it's a "son thing" that's bothering you, that scares me. What does that mean? Was it something I did or didn't do? Can I change something to make things better for you? Please, please tell me!

There are days that I think you would have been better off if I'd given you up to a two-parent home - but my heart would have died if I did, and so would your's, if you only knew it. We were made to belong together, and we're stuck with each other - through thick and thin.

So all I ask is that you tell me what's going on, especially if there's a way I can be a better mom. If you're hurting, let me comfort you. If you're sad, tell me why. If you need more of me, show me how to be there for you. Don't shut me out - not yet. Not before you're truly strong enough to stand on your own.

Love (forever - you ARE my heart!)
Your Mom