A case of the nerves

You know that kinda tickly jumpy feeling you get inside when you think of something that almost scares you or makes you nervous? I've got that, every time I consider what the near future may hold.

I'm talking visa issues.

If the guy in my dad's church pulls off getting our visa approved (and it could be in the next few weeks, or early next year), life will change very quickly and in very big ways. And it scares me. I've just gotten used to the idea that I can settle here permanently, actually start saving cash next year instead of living near our credit limit just to survive and eat each month, and get a business going while living near enough to family that we can see each other regularly. And all that can change in just about an instant!

I do have to admit I've been getting almost fed-up with work these days. I get these times when I want out, want change - but can't quite picture what that would be like. It's an OK-ish rut I'm in here, especially considering my constant internet access and being left alone to do my own thing. Heck, I don't even have an official job description! We've never gotten around to drawing one up, in spite of the fact that I've been at it for 2 years already. I can basically create my own job, do what I see fit, and no-one bothers me. My office falls under so many others that everyone just about leaves me alone to get on with it. Nice.

It's also pretty comfy living where I do. It's quite safe - my son runs around the campus or stays home alone during the holidays, with no problems. If he goes to friends he doesn't bother locking the door, and all our stuff is still there when he gets home (maybe thanks to a couple of barky dogs in residence). It's almost like living on a farm, except that friends and things are just down the road. Not every kid gets to grow up like this.

I know where my cash is coming from, and how much it is each month. I know what expenses I have and I know what to plan for in the future.

And it could all change.

I would have to find a new job, work my way up from the bottom, be a stranger and a foreigner, be expected to turn up each week at my dad's church (they want me to lead worship there, but it's not a good idea at this point in my journey! I don't even know if I'd be able to attend at the moment), be under scrutiny by my parents as I raise my son, have to make new friends and find new schools and learn my way around a place that's only snapshots in my head right now. Because I'd have to sell everything I possess just to afford our tickets and moving the piano and a few packing boxes, I would once again have to start a household, a life, from scratch. I thought I'd finished struggling already, but it would all begin again.

I know there might be many positives to moving. My son misses his grandparents desperately, and having my dad there as a "father figure" in this critical stage of development would be ideal. It would be fun to explore a new country and learn how to live there, to have a clean slate to start friendships and a new life from, and a chance to fulfil a few dreams I can't here.

But when I think that we might have to move, the negatives crowd in and overwhelm me. I know we could give it a try and return here if it doesn't work out after a few years, but it's still terrifying. Paralysing, almost.

Which is why I have to focus on leaving this in the hands of God, the Australian government and the guy who is pleading our case. If He wants it to work out, I'm sure He'll give me strength to do what I have to, to make a success of a new life. If He DOESN'T want it to work out, then I guess I'll know about it pretty soon.

You know that saying, "If you worry, you die - if you don't worry, you still die - so why worry?"

Time to put it into practice! :)