The Birthday that Wasn't

For the first time in my life, I won't be "celebrating" my birthday this year. I haven't been in celebration mode recently, and left it so late that I can't rustle up any friends, nor are my family free to drop by.

Sound weird? Yup, it does to me. I was going to make this year a Big Bash, being a double-figure 33. Got to wait another 11 years before I can do it again, after all. But our finances are looking shaky, and the timing is wrong, and suddenly a birthday just doesn't seem to matter that much. I've also been feeling bad about myself - uncomfortable with my too-much weight, unhappy over being constantly worn out, unconfident and unworthy.

I may do a belated celebration in a month or two. I may not. Remains to be seen. All I'll be doing is baking myself a cake, and if somone manages to drop by they're welcome to help me eat it. My son is buying me something small (with my money) on Friday, to be given to me on Saturday - but I'm not getting myself anything else. Gonna be one of those mean and lean birthdays! :)

Growing up, I can remember only having 3 birthday parties before I turned 18. With school closing for summer holidays just before my birthday, and an annual trip from Zimbabwe to my grandparents in South Africa, we were most likely on the road each year. I never had those princess and pony type parties some other girls got - but it didn't bother me.

Maybe a bit of that has rubbed off on me now. Heck, it's just another day on the calendar, after all....

::update::
There's a sneaky part of me that wants to know whether anyone (friends, not family) will remember my birthday, if they aren't invited to a party to celebrate it! We'll see... :)