Please explain

I should never have mentioned to relatives that I may start a small group of lost souls in this year. I should't have mentioned it to anyone. Life can't be carefully planned out and followed.

You see, I don't think I will be starting one - at least not in the forseeable future. I'm not in a place where I feel I can. I don't want to "gather" or "explore" or anything. I just want to be. If you've read my recent posts on losing religion, you may have some inkling of why. I have nothing to give, I have no wisdom to share, and I don't feel like traipsing after a group of people regularly, or making the effort to share. I just want to sit a while and not be bothered.

But you try explaining that to folk who ask "how's the small group going? How are the plans coming along? How's your God-time these days?"! Try explaining where you're at, without getting overwhelmed by "I'll pray for you"s...! As OK as I am with where I'm at, it makes other people nervous. Perhaps it should make me nervous too?

So when people ask, I get all defensive and clam up. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be told how my choices are damaging my son's spirituality or how I'm completely backslidden. I just want to be left in peace to travel whatever path is ahead of me, wherever it may lead, or not to travel at all until my bus arrives. I don't want to lead out, get involved, or tell how my God-time is going (it basically isn't right now, at least not in the normal sense of the word). I won't be in a pew anytime soon, and no, I'm not planning on coming back to the worship team - whether you need pianists and miss my playing or not.

In future, I think I'd better just keep my mouth shut....