Taking a break from Religion

Yes, the above statement makes me nervous, but I think that's where I'm at right now.

It's quite a change from past years of enthusiastic involvement and devouring all I could read that would inspire or challenge me. I still have some of those potential reads lying around, but I look at them and think "not now". Perhaps in a few months, or a few weeks, probably not a few days.

And yet, this is not the easiest thing to explain. My beliefs are still firm (I think!), but my practices have gone out the window for the time being.

A month ago if you wanted to get me talking, you'd mention "church" and just let me rattle on for hours. Now I'd rather say nothing. Not about worship, or what could be improved, or the latest bad pastor, or the worship team, or what new music has been introduced, or small groups, or anything. I just don't have the energy or the mind-space to deal with them.

It's a strange place for me to be, and one that I'm rather uncomfortable with. Growing up a pastor's kid, attending church every single week, getting involved, leading out, creating change - that was me. Pioneer, striding forth to make a difference and see good things happen in church. Initiator of vibrant kids programmes, pusher-around of the pastor for unique and new services.

Being on the outside, not attending, not "fellowshipping", not anything-ing - it's not what I'm used to. I don't quite know how to deal with it, how to spend my time, how to hold on to things that I find important when I'm struggling with the basics. There's a big temptation to just let it all go until further notice. But what then?

Christian society would label me a rebel, kicking against religion a bit late - most do it in their teen years. Church attenders would label me a backslider, gone out into the dangerous evil world without a plan, a mission, or a hope of surviving it.

But I'm not into labels. I'm not into conforming (and working in a place that requires conform-to-the-max is starting to drive me slightly batty). I'm not into anything. It's all just a big, grey blank.

Scary stuff. Unexplainable. But that's where I find myself.

::update::
Just wanted to mention: because of the place I'm in right now, there probably won't be much religion-related blogging in the next little while. Taking a break from that too, unless something dramatic or different happens.