Befuddled

I took a sick day, and while recovering in bed hoped I could get some thinking done. Unfortunately all I could do was sleep, which did my body good, but...

You see, I've come to the conclusion that I don't really know who I am, where I'm headed, what I want out of life. I don't have a passion, I don't have a plan. And it's stuff I really want to sit and ponder. I'd like clarification - a clear mind. Aah, there's the buzz-word for me - clarity! But the whole time it feels like my brain is swathed in syrup. I can't access the bits that would feed me information and sort out what I'm seeking.

The past few years have been a matter of trudging through life, just going through the daily motions, treading water, not really getting anywhere. And I'm kinda fed up with it. I want more out of life than I've been getting, but to do that I need to know exactly WHAT it is I want - and I can't quite figure it out! It's a bit scary to discover that you're going in circles, and have run so deep a track that getting out seems impossible.

I used to use my Sabbath hours to sit and think in silence. I somewhat remember actually following a thought-line through right to its conclusion, but that was a while back. I haven't had sufficient quiet alone-time, no distractions, to do that in a while. And it bugs me. It's like I'm constantly rushing on to the next thing that needs doing, stamping out fires instead of creating fire-breaks. Crisis management. It's tiring.

You know, in the past I could always picture myself doing something and know I could achieve it. Nowadays I just picture a blank. Goal-less? Perhaps.

Take work, for example. I know I need to make a move soon and find something new to do. I've been doing what I do for almost 10 years now, and it's not what I want to spend my entire life doing. I don't plan to be here this time next year. But trying to imagine my ideal job isn't working out. I can't seem to picture what I'd be doing - or where. (Though for some strange reason I really want to get back to Sydney... maybe that's a start?) So I keep going in circles here.

I wish I could get past this sticky mess in my head and clear up the mist, then see what's beneath there and figure out what my life needs to look like. Now and then I catch a glimpse of it, like a shot of sunlight through a grey day - and then it's gone. It's all disconnected, just random images. I want to get it congealed into one big picture!

So this is what my head's focusing on right now. Picking out the scraps of brillance and trying to put them all into one box. Deciding what's really important to me, what I find good and right and wonderful. Finding my inspiration and learning my passion. Developing an image of what my life should look like and what I should be doing.

It just takes a very long time. And peace/quiet is in short supply. One can't think things through when the phone keeps ringing, people keep wanting stuff, there's noise and attention-grabbers.

My son will be going on a 3-day camp with his class near the end of July (we've never been apart that long before!) - perhaps that's my chance to turn off all the distractions at home and sit in the dark and think. To find clarity and a path forward.

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But there's a flip-side to this. Just before bed last night I was listening with my son to the final chapter of The Final Battle (Narnia) on CD - where everyone ends up in "Aslan's Land" (heaven). It's inspiring, it's awesome, it yet again brought tears to my eyes and a longing in my heart.

And made me wonder why I'm muddling about with things here, on a planet that won't last forever, instead of just looking forward to a place beyond my wildest dreams that will last forever...

Yet another thing to think about.