I'm keeping it quiet...

I was hanging out in my garden this weekend, watching people come and go, and having a few stop by to talk, when it struck me.

I no longer give a damn about the place I work, or the place where my church membership resides. I'm not interested in their issues, I'm not interested in what they are or aren't up to, and I have absolutely no loyalty to either.

Which is kinda a dangerous place to be.

I'm expected to be loyal to both, so that I'll put a lot of time and energy into supporting their goals, their mission. Solving their problems or making life at either place better. I'm expected to be devoted to the future of both, to invest both office hours and after hours in their care. I'm expected to turn my life over to both of them, to be ruled and controlled and stuffed into a sameness that I'm no longer willing to put up with.

Yet I can't say a word to anyone. I just keep up appearances.

I had a call from a neighbour yesterday - one who enjoys a good jaw over the fence about this or that problem, who regularly asks my perspective on the latest controversy in one of the above insitutions. It took all my effort to keep up the concerned attitude and put in my two cents worth on whatever she was talking about. I had this urge to say, "You know, I really don't care. Talk to someone else" - but I didn't.

After we said goodbye I had to take a stroll around the garden and a few deep breaths, simply to con my body into thinking what I'm doing is OK. I know it isn't. I know it's likely I'll have such a conflict of willpower and reality that I may start foaming at the mouth and have to be restrianed in a nicely-padded room with a door that locks from the outside!

So what to do?

Well - I could move, to start. That would mean less over-the-fence, we-see-what-you're-doing examination from those around me. I'd have a bit more freedom to be and do what I am and want. Unfortunately it may not be an option (a bit pricey!), but I'm thinking of it. I even started circling potential houses to rent in the newspaper!

Again, the subject of job-change comes up. I'm still dithering on this one. I really want to get my business off the ground, but am having second thoughts as to its sustainability. I'm wondering if my ideas are good enough to even make a dent in the market. But if it IS sustainable and good and marvellous and money-worthy, it will still take a very long time until it reaches that level. The other option is to find another job, but I can't see anything available that I can do well, am sufficiently qualified for, or will pay enough. At least while I'm here I have the time and resources to develop my business - elsewhere I may not.

The only option I seem to have is to keep myself to myself, not to mention where my headspace is going, and to wipe the foam off my lips as it appears. To work steadily, silently, toward goals only I know about, keep my head down and stay out of fights.

So I'm keeping it quiet. Not saying a word, but desperatly hoping I can find a way to make the changes I need.