To The Meeting and (rambling) Beyond!

Well, the appointment with the boss has been and gone, and I still have a job. Seriously, that's how dramatically worst-case-scenario things got in my head. I deserve to be locked up in a padded cell.

Most of it had to do with involving me in various committees, developing new policies and checking on my decision not to take another house on campus. But yes, I did get moaned at for taking leave instead of attending a group session, and for not informing him of the why's. He knows now though a mere droplet of the fact that I'm hanging on my by fingernails to my sanity. And fortunately was reasonably understanding.

I was wondering last night what it is that has previously kept me back from the edge of that Dark Place, and what is doing so now. And it's my son. If I give in to the delicious oblivion of descending night and let myself lose it, there will be no-one else there for him. He does NOT need a fallen-to-pieces mom, but one that can help him deal with his own problems at school and as the teen years approach. And that is truly the only thing making me push through.

But it's not the ideal situation. I'm so stressed out and beaten down that he's not getting all of my attention, love or security. He's getting the bare minimum I can manage. This is where single parenting sucks. Well, this and when you're so sick you can't stand up, yet you still have to function normally in making meals, getting the kid off to school etc. The phrase "you've made your bed, you lie in it" comes to mind. I guess it IS a choice I made, not to give him up but to raise him on my own. And I have to deal with it, come hell or high water. Most days it's great. Some days just suck. I guess they would for double-parents, single folk, and anyone else, regardless.

Anyway, I seem to be functioning a bit better today. Psalm 62 hit the nail on the head last night and reworked my spiritual focus. In all this I seem to have lost sight of God... I've also lost the ability to have a good cry to ease the internal pressure.

Oh, and here's something strange - although I hate being stuck in commute-world, I found the rush-hour traffic on Monday while picking up my son much less stressful than the working hours. Bad drivers, overheating engines, near-accidents and all! Too weird.