Torn & Daydreaming

I wonder if one can want too much out of life...

I subscribe to only one magazine - "House & Leisure" - more a wish-book than anything else. And every few months the entire magazine gets me drooling (October 2006 issue, case in point). I've got a huge collection of the things, having been on their list for years. I've added the UK Country Living ones to the pile too - and everything I love in them seems to follow a theme.

I've got an image of a home in my head that's been there since I was a kid. Now and then I see glimpses of parts of it in my reading matter. It's an old house, out in the country, surrounded by fields and distant hills. Big old tree with a swing in the front, small river down the bottom of the garden through long grass, orchard out the back, barn to one side. It's got wooden floors and a flagstoned kitchen, wide porch, an upstairs and a downstairs, and a big fireplace. Clear as anything, I can see it in detail. When I think of "home", that's it - yet I've never seen it anywhere. I don't know that it exists. Perhaps this home is only where the heart is?

Perusing the mags gets me longing for that place, where I can put down roots and live with the land and have space to accommodate many family and friends for lengthy visits.

On the other hand I get itchy feet. Regularly. The nomadic life appeals with a sense of going everywhere, seeing everything, and chucking in any thought of permanent roots (though journeys are often best if one has somewhere to come home to). I feel I could be out there doing many good things for others, instead of "selfishly" living in a rural area and just looking after my own happiness. Perhaps a bit altruistic, as nomadic living would be selfishly for my pleasure too...

Too often these seem like opposites. If I were to settle down, I'd never have cash handy to travel - and if I were nomadic, I'd never have cash handy to settle down! Permanent roots require responsibility to your land and animals and those who fall under your responsibility. Permanent wandering requires a grit-your-teeth-and-bear-it willingness to be posessionless and trust ultimately that things will work out.

Of course it's all just pie in the sky at the moment. I can neither afford to invest in a country property nor to chuck everything up and go nomadic. I have a son to consider and everyday responsibilities to sort out. Country properties don't come cheap.

But every now and then I indulge in a bit of daydreaming...

And then I blog it so you can wonder just what the heck goes on in my head sometimes! :)

::update::
Then I found this. And realized my image of "home" is tied up in all my soul desires. A picture of what my subconcious knows, but which often doesn't make it to the surface.

Still pondering all this and more today. Along with the many things changing in myl ife, there are aspects like how I live (lightly on the earth) and eat (concious eating needs a good hard look) that are under the spotlight.

What I really need is space, time and quiet to think it all through properly.