Parent Forever

I'm not complaining about being a single mom - my son is awesome and a world without him would be a whole lot emptier. I'm glad he's survived my parenting attempts... :)

But I've also realized that once you're a parent, you're always a parent. There will always be someone who calls you mom and for whom you will be responsible. I started a bit early - pregnant at 20, mom at 21 - so in many ways I've been a parent all my adult life.

I tend to feel guilty about this, but there are times when I look forward to being able to do my own thing. When my son is grown and living his own life. Many parents suffer from an empty nest when their fledgelings fly - I am looking forward to it in a way.

It's not that I don't enjoy having my son around, not that I don't love him immensely and want to do things or spend time with him. (The more I write, the more it starts to sound that way though!) It's just that I'm looking forward to doing some alone things eventually - taking off on a whim for a holiday, getting a chance to sit in silence somewhere secluded for a few weeks, or even completely changing the way I live on a permanent basis. Without having to come up with cash for an education, a ever-hungry teen or a stable permanent home, I could fulfil some of those private dreams I've pushed to the back of the shelf.

Yes, I'll take him with on many adventures. That's a given. But there's also the personal adventures that only I can do, and those are what I look forward to.

Over the past 13 years I've shed a lot of dreams to focus on child-rearing. Shed is perhaps not the right word, they've just been postponed. I've invested my time in being a mom instead of doing me-things, but there's a part of me that has realized I need to do me-things. So I'm biding my time and keeping the ideas ticking over, taking mini me-breaks now and then so I don't lose who I am.

Yet I also know that as a forever-parent I will always still be needed. If there's an emergency, I'm there. If there's something to be celebrated, I'm there. If he needs to "come home", I'm there. Parenting is never something you wash your hands of once they're grown and flown. It's more about finding balance between who you are as a mom and who you are as a woman - and I'm still working on that....