Spiritual/Religious Paradox

I may be about to risk hellfire and brimstone from many devout folk who read this blog... but this is part of my journey, and I'm blogging it anyway. May be the only time I say it "out loud".

3 years ago I gave up fulltime church attendance. I had to - where others were enthusiastic and loyal, knew who and why they were worshipping, I didn't. I was no longer willing to put on an act, so I stepped away. And took an "indefinite break" which has turned into 3 years, and still going. At first I tried to keep up the routines and rituals associated with religion, keeping my son going on in the same traditions I had been brought up with. But those have petered out. I let go of all my beliefs to start from scratch, but have in reality not taken many back again. This weekend I sat and tried to define what it is I believe, and couldn't come up with any definites! Other than grace before meals (and a quick one at that), religion has taken a complete back seat in our lives. (Spirituality, though, hasn't)

It's something I haven't actually discussed with anyone. I haven't mentioned the extent to which we've "fallen away" from the Christian tradition we grew up in - for fear of shocking the heck out of some and incurring group prayer/laying on of hands by others. The thing is, if you aren't where I'm at it would be difficult to see my perspective - and there are very few who would even attempt it.

Before anyone completely writes me off... there's more! :-)

Stepping back from religion and its trappings has seen me embracing all man as equal, discovering nuances of thought from other spiritual perspectives, a oneness with life and universe that I couldn't have imagined. Feels a bit zen-like, if you will. Although I've come to view many aspects of religion with cynacism, there are other yet-to-be-explored parts that draw me on to things I wouldn't have considered 3 years ago.

So am I anti-religion? No, not at all. If there's anything I am sure of, it's that each has the right to their own path, their own truth, their own reality, their own belief. I respect those who follow their light with conviction, whichever route it takes. I understand how many beliefs may be considered right - and how beliefs diametrically opposite may also be right. Having let go of an exclusive claim to truth, I have found my mind open to explore, ponder and learn where others stand. Some things I agree with, others not. Many more are a "maybe", worthy of some additional time and space to ponder whether they fit in with how I exist. I do know that spirituality is woven into each atom of what makes us human - how that takes form is an individual choice.

My son? Yes I worry that such an open-to-everything mother might lead him down a distinctly wrong track (wrong for whom?) - but would I be doing that, or would I be encouraging him to consider everything on offer, then form his own views? I was brought up hearing "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" - which all too often has been used to brow-beat kids into religious suppression. Yet... "training him up" to be non-judgemental of the journeys of others is another way to view it.

Now some may have already got me burning for eternity! :-) And knowing the thought-processes behind that, I can understand why they'd think so. For all I know, they may be right.

But here's the strange thing. I'm more at peace now than I have ever been. Free from the many rules, regulations, expectations and conformities, I find myself on an even keel of inner restfulness. Perhaps it's sailing directly for a rather warm place, or perhaps it's not. Either way I'm not worried - not anymore. Actually, there are a lot of things I used to panic and stress about that no longer bother me. I feel more of a connection to the world around me than ever before. A spiritual intertwinedness, a relation to things I can both understand and never imagine. Perhaps I've already fallen so far that I'm a lost soul, but instead I'm filled with a sense of knowing I'm on a path that is right for me.

All this is very hard to explain. Difficult to find words that convey a feeling. Nevertheless, I throw it out into cyberspace as a waymarker on my road. Evidence of a virtual place I seem to have reached. Destination? - as always, unknown.