Left behind?

The quest for housing continues. The one I saw today is completely wrong for us - bad area, so tiny you can barely turn around in it never mind fit in more than a single folding chair. But affordable. Tomorrow it's on to upping the amount I'm willing to fork over each month (or the distance I'm willing to travel each day), and hoping for a good match.

But on the way home after taking a look, I started to wonder (never a good thing - especially if I come home and blog it right away! :-) ). Waiting in traffic I had a look around me at commuters years younger than me, driving cars that didn't rattle alarmingly on acceleration or have headlights smashed in. Commuters heading home to the rich area of town, not scraping the bottom of the barrel for a roof over their head. And I realized that at age 35 I should be somewhere in life - I should by now have acquired a home with my name on the ownership papers, a lifestyle that is comfortable, a job that ensures a good quality of life. I shouldn't be struggling along in a crappy vehicle and dodgy part of town to make ends meet!

Truth is, I got well and truly discouraged. It's that feeling of having tread water for the past 10 years again. Of sticking it out in a low-paying job because you can't afford to leave. Of not knowing where to next, and watching in frustration as everyone else gets ahead in life.

Of course I'm on the cusp of change. Change in basically every area of my life - all the things that matter. It's on the upswing, I haven't gotten there yet, it's just beginning. I realize that I have to be patient and strive for what I want. Just tend to hit these compare-yourself-to-others low-blood-pressure dips now and then.

I guess it's hard not to hold yourself up to others at times. There are those to whom it seems to come easily, and then there are the rest of us that have to fight every step tooth and nail to get ahead. I'm in the fighting group. I can't opt out of the battle (as much as I'd love to at times). When my blood pressure isn't quite so low I actually relish the challenge! :-)

Tonight though, for a brief half-hour, it felt like I've been left behind.