Usually by this time each year I have:

1. Done the Xmas prezzie shopping - or at least have a list of a few remaining items left to make/buy/find.
2. Have a plan in place for how I'll spend my leave
3. Know what I'm doing with Xmas eve, Xmas day etc.
4. Have started on the Xmas baking
5. Have stocked up on non-perishable grocery items for 2 months so I can avoid all the malls while our upcountry visitors are around, and still have food to eat through the "lean month" of January when the next salary infusion seems forever away.

Needless to say, I've done none of that this year. The past few months have been one long Olivia-fixing slog that have taken every spare hour in the day, every spare cent lying around, every little bit of my energy. Although my son has an Xmas wish list a mile long, I haven't even thought about what's a remote possibility off of it yet. I don't have a wishlist for myself that could be bought out of shops either, and when folk ask what I want for Xmas/birthday - I don't know what to say!

I guess all I really want is this: to make it to January intact. To get back on my financial feet quickly so I can ditch the worry, random panic attacks, terrible dreams and stress. To have a rest over Xmas that will cleanse me inside and out. To have time to enjoy those I love, and space to think through so many things that I need to sort out as the new year approaches - to come up with a Plan. To make those around me happy. To not end the year feeling like a total failure.

Right now I don't want to have to think about decorations and shopping and providing a million and one distant relatives with gifts that are "expensive" enough to count as making an effort. If I could I'd escape Xmas completely, or just put it off until next year.

Yup, this year I'm completely and utterly unFestive. While the rest of the world goes jingle-bell mad around me.