Reserve

It's all good and well running on mental adrenalin, having a brain that's pushing you forward at a rate of knots... but not if the body can't keep up.

I'm heading toward that knife-edge teetering again. I can feel it coming. I reached a point last year where I was a literal zombie, stumbling through the to-do list without absorbing a thing, pushing myself until I was ill every second week, constantly worn out and worn down. I cannot afford to reach that point again. Not now. Too much is required of me to collapse, emotionally, mentally or physically.

So I'm doing some very careful monitoring, constant checks to see whether I'm at the point of no return or not.

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That was yesterday. I got so busy that this went into drafts and never got published. But by 10 last night I had reached that knife-edge and started slipping over it. I could no longer see what I was doing on the computer screen, my brain had gone into slush-mode and the rest of me was starting to collapse. Although I had by no means even started in on what I'd hoped to accomplish, it was time to step away and leave it well alone for the night.

Yes, I could have pushed myself. Yes, I could have carried on past midnight - but it wouldn't have been a good idea. I would have accomplished nothing useful, would only have ended up frustrated and snapping at those around me.

So the computer went off, a shower was had, and I was falling asleep by 11 - instead of 1.

This morning I feel better for it. I'm still tired, still got the bags under my eyes, but I didn't stumble out of bed and commute in a wish-I-were-asleep / maybe-I-still-am fog.

Today I'm putting in place a few disciplines and boundaries to ensure I don't collapse. It's all good and well getting things done, but not if you can't enjoy the end result nor carry on to the next task. And definitely not if the slog is all life becomes.