Voice

3016 posts ago I started this blog (give or take a few lurking drafts yet to make their appearance).

I started it because I was working in an extremely patriarchial work-place where women didn't get much notice, and definitely didn't have a voice.  I was tired of never being heard, of my opinion simply not mattering because of what I had (or didn't have) between my legs.  Blogging was finally a way for me to say what I really thought, what mattered to me - and to my absolute amazement, there were people who thought what I had to say was worthwhile.  After many years of voice-suppression it was as if a light came on.  I may still not have had a voice in the workplace, but I had one in cyberspace, one that fed my inner self-confidence and took me places beyond my wildest imaginations.

That brought me to here.  Now.

Yet sometimes, lately, it feels as if my voice has been stilled again.  This blog does not get updated very regularly.  I often fear judgement so keep my thoughts to myself in case they offend.  Encountering people and businesses that refuse to listen to a mere woman drives me back into that quiet corner again.  Trying to voice an opinion or lead a business - having the opinion shot down or shut up and my gut feel questioned - it's shadows of that past come back to haunt me, to tempt me into my silent shell once more.  Where it's safe, but very very quiet.

My logical self says I'm making a success of where I am now (mostly), that I've made huge strides forward in life and I'm not done yet.  My brain-voice says I'm constantly failing, and not to make it worse by putting forth what's going on inside.  The lost little girl type in me still fears rejection by those who mean the world to me, and strives to do everything just right, to not be a disappointment.  And those whispering thoughts clamour to sway me into thinking my voice, after all, really does not matter one tiny little bit.

My voice has had it rough recently.  I'm struggling to maintain a clear, level-headed, practical and confident attitude that can carry me through a very rough inner patch.  There are days (like today) where it all seems to crumble again.  Days where I'm tired, and emotionally beaten up, and longing for a break in the routine, a get-away-from-it-all holiday, less ongoing crap, more of what I dream about, much more of what and who I want to really be....

Perhaps it's times like this where I need to once again find my cybervoice, and not be too concerned if my everyday voice is routinely ignored.