Losing my religion?

Still on holiday - it seems like forever, but has only been a few days. Needless to say they haven't been the most "restful" days, and stress over petty little things at home has crept in to make things difficult. Hoping it gets better...

But one thing I've been pondering, and I thought I'd throw it out into cyberspace while it's still on my mind (and I'm at the office, doing that "suffer from an over-inflated sense of duty" thing, checking up on stuff).

I think I'm losing my religion. Or rather, my faith. Not the kind of faith that's trusting in a Higher Power, but the kind of generally-described faith that makes one a Christian. Faith in Jesus, personal relationship with God etc. That kind of faith.

It may have started years ago when my passion for God was squashed like a bug by the church leaders. It seems to have cumulated into something bad, that I haven't talked to anyone about. Perhaps having someone here in the flesh to talk to may have kept it at bay, but I don't have that luxury.

It's been my journey to slowly step back from church responsibility, then to step back from church attendance, and then to wander in lost confusion for a few months. I thought I'd be spending time learning (perhaps for the first time) how to interact with God - just Him and me - and learn what one-on-one worship was all about. Hasn't happened. If anything it's gotten worse.

I try, I really do, to get up the urge to "get right with God", to study or pray or learn or connect. But my soul's beyond luke-warm. It's basically dead. It doesn't seem to give a stuff whether I know God or not, and it doesn't seem to care that I'm getting further from where I should be by the day.

I would go back to pew-warming, but am very anti-that at the moment. It might help to make an initial connection, to get me remotely interested in anything God. It might make things worse. I'm just not up to it right now.

I've tried to look at Jesus from new angles - no luck. Can't connect there either, and it's slowly become harder and harder.

My Christian upbringing tells me this is NOT a good thing. That my soul is in danger of eternity apart from God (however you believe it - a once-off quick-burn or just darkness forever). That I need to wake up and smell the brimstone, so to speak. It tells me I'm more than backsliding, that I'm on the wrong road.

There's that niggling little religious voice telling me this is wrong.

And then it's overwhelmed by the I-don't-cares.

I grew up in a good Christian home. I've never experienced a dramatic conversion. Maybe that's the problem. God and Christian life have always been just "there", nothing to fight for or to passionately seek after. If I were being persecuted for my faith (or lack of it!), it might be a different story. But I'm not. Life's just too easy, too lukewarm, to mundane - and I have yet to experience the Bright Light that changes everything.

So here I sit - realizing I may be losing my religion. Wondering if I can even call myself a Christian, nevermind one or other denomination. Wondering why it doesn't horrify me more. Wondering what I should do about it....