Misfit

While I was off enjoying a weekend, it seems many Christian bloggers got into heated discussions over Christian blog aggregators and their problems/implications/limitations etc. Because I'm late to the party, I haven't bothered leaving a comment on the blogs that got "conversational", but I do have something to say on this - and where better to say it than my own blog! :)

Doing a quick blog-browse through my regular stops, I ran across mention of the Women4God aggregator, and nearly-nearly went to join up. I've almost done the same thing on the GodBlogs one, or any of the others that many seem to join up with. It's a way to get noticed, I guess, and throw your lot in with a bunch of like-minded people.

Only I haven't. I'm afraid to. I don't think I belong there.

Having grown up in one denomination, never even visiting another church until a few years ago, I sometimes felt like I didn't fit in when I got "out there" among people who believed differently. Yet I always had a denominational home to come back to. But now I find myself thinking differently from the home folk too, and not fitting in anywhere!

I suspect I'll face something similar if I join up with a group that says "here's who we are and what we believe", that I won't fit in there either and that it will only lead to heartsore for me as I'm judged or talked at or whatever. May not be the case, but could well happen.

I've been feeling very "out" over the past year, like I don't really belong anywhere. It's not just my beliefs, but also my lifestyle, or my choices, or the way I see things in general. It's hard to find people who understand where I'm coming from (my thought-history), but also can relate to where I am now and where I'm headed. I guess I feel like I'm a "party of one" in many aspects. It's made me keep to myself a lot, not say much when in the company of a same-sort group where I don't quite belong. I've seen the looks, I've heard the comments that I'm different. Heck, there's a lot I don't write about here, simply because I'm not sure people would "get" me.

And it's hard sometimes, you know? Sometimes you'd like a place where you belong completely, where you don't fear to open your mouth or do certain things, where you can feel comfortable enough to truly be you. Many people find this in a church - but I haven't. Others find it in a community - but I haven't. Still others find it in a hobby or a club or a lifestyle - again, I haven't.

I feel it when I read other's experiences in fitting in - whether in a church, or some other group. It makes me feel just that more isolated.

I don't know how to "cure" the misfit syndrome. Conform, grit your teeth and bear it? Speak out and be shunted even further off the mid-line? Or just accept that one will never really belong anywhere?