Anger Management

A colleague has just told me "you seem very angry lately". I think she's right. I've been trying to put a finger on why, and I'm struggling to come up with a single answer. (I'm sure Dr Phil would be able to tell me, but I ain't asking)

I'm not one to blow my top and scream/shout, nor to be expressly nasty to others, but it seems the inner turmoil is seriously boiling to the surface. And people are starting to notice it.

Talking of noticing things - when I left here on impulse at lunchtime (to take my monthly afternoon off immediately, before I ran out of places to hide the bodies), I noticed that as I walked out the door and headed home it was as if a dense black fog lifted. It was palpable, I could feel a complete mood-change within a few steps. And that's kinda scary... Every morning, a few minutes after I sit down at my desk, I feel a headache coming on. They say stress can keep you alive longer - but I'm starting to be in favour of a shorter, stress-free life! :)

Anyway, I think my apparent anger has to do with a sense of frustration and being fed-up at a multitude of things. I honestly don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to take the treatment I've taken for years, and I really don't care. It's a horrible attitude to come to work with, but one I can't seem to shake. It's been building all year to near-exploding point and I'm struggling to put on my happy face each day and function normally. I hate that. I don't want it to be the image I project to either colleagues or customers.

I'm having trouble not snapping when someone asks me to do "one more thing", or change my plans, or take back into my work load something that was moved out of it. I'm having trouble with respect for those above me, and with fed-up-ness for those around me. I'm becoming one huge pain in the butt, I suspect.

But what to do about it? Those 2 days off next week will help, but I'll still be coming back to the exact same situation, which I feel powerless to control or change. I'll still have to face constant demands on time, energy and good nature.

I'll still have to try suppress my anger. But I'm not sure how much longer I can. The "fight" is worn out, the "flight" is kicking in.... and I have nowhere to flee to. Should I find a place, it won't happen immediately. It's still far off and out of my reach.

Oh Lord preserve me....

Who am I to complain - really? I mean I DO have a paying job, which is more than many can say. I seriously need to find ways to make it better though.

My mom's just got her scan results back and it's mixed news. Some things are stable, others have spread or popped up in new places. Cancer is a horrible thing. She's a survivor, but the body can only take so much. Dunno what the future holds. Again - who am I to complain about my lot in life?