Defined

I've recently (as in the last 2 hours) made an executive decision.

Yesterday I did some internal house-cleaning. I put into words some vague and nameless fears, and in naming them (and panicking about them for a while), I was able to say, "Right - now what am I going to do about it?". I'm no longer ignoring stuff that makes me feel helpless or out of control in the hope it will go away or come right. I'm taking it and wrestling it to the ground, using it as a very good incentive to stop farting around and move in the right direction. Properly and permanently. Life is short and I have stuff I want to do with it.

So I've made an executive decision - and now the slog starts. The thing is this - I'm finally willing to do it. To forgo sleep if I have to work through the night (it's not forever) - although I know I need rest as fuel for energy. To put in the effort whole-heartedly (instead of half-heartedly with a distracted mind). To change habits and create new ones (for the better). To define a path that will lead exactly where I want to go, to put my soul into the learning curves required. And in all this to maintain balance when it comes to the things that matter, the people I love.

I have given myself a deadline and a goal, I have the first steps figured out at last. That's what's been holding me back: I can picture where I want to be, can see the final steps, but these first ones have always eluded me. Not any more. (Though I admit I approach the road with butterflies in my stomach at fear of the unknown)

So yeah - another vague and rambling post. But a waymarker for me.