Ponder

Yes, the blog's been extremely quiet of late. I've been very very busy. Along with the dayjob I've had a to-do list that keeps me going until midnight many nights, trying to keep ahead of life collapsing around me. I've been running on adrenalin and not much else, sometimes having to take a few deep breaths to keep from panicking.

I've also been doing some serious pondering. Like I often do... I've found myself in a constant state of self-evaluation lately. Or rather, life-evaluation. There are things that are getting me very peeved and I'm fighting to find direction to sort them out. There's a temptation to take the safe route - but that route is simply not working. There's a temptation to take my Landy and run away - but that is simply not an option. So I ponder, and I struggle forward, and I try to find a way to get to where I want to be.

Part of this pondering involves how my 24 hours per day are spent. I re-read this article recently, and I keep going back to it. It's risky, it's out-there, it's scary, it's turning societal expectations and norms on its head, but it makes so much sense. Because it's not the norm there's an immediate temptation to dismiss it and go "nah... would never work". And yet... There's a lot churning around inside me that revolves around employment, goals, cash (big one!) and living life fully. I know I need to make some big changes, take some leaps of faith and just Do It, do that stuff wandering around the corners of my blonde mind (and dusting off the blank shelves inevitably found there). But can I? Do I dare? Do I truly have what it takes to be successful at what I want to do, to accomplish what my heart dreams of? Can I survive Something Big? Are the steps I'm taking going to be enough - or will I fail hugely?

So I bide my time, and ponder. I sit and plan and struggle and try get up the courage to just Jump. I'm getting there. It's just taking longer than I wish it would.

::update::
And then there's this. Written with regard to public speaking, applicable to a whole lot more.