Mondays and Deadlines

Three weeks and two days left of full-time employment for me, and my head is whirling. My to-do list keeps being hijacked, while trying to keep up with the rest of life and prepare for work-for-myself knocks persistently at the window (and door, and any other knockable surface).

Today, for some reason, I feel like I'm in a constant panic-attack state. I was awake very early this morning, waiting for my alarm to go off - and when it did I was out of bed like a shot, rushing through an impossible to-do list at home and get out the door at my planned time.

It doesn't help that I spent most of the weekend laid low - a sudden bout of what seemed like poisoning hit me early Saturday morning and had me emptying my system all day, then spending most of the day and all night in pain - until I finally gave in and took a painkiller. Sunday I was still very very weak, but pushed myself beyond what I knew to be sensible to meet a couple of other deadlines. And this morning I suspect I'm paying for it.

My body simply doesn't want to keep up with my mindspace - it's lagging like a YouTube video on bad bandwidth.

And I guess it's this conflict that's fuelling my constant state of tension, of half-panic, of stress, and the feeling that I'm running in molasses.

I've tried the deep breaths, the fresh air, the quick walk, the shot of coffee. I've cleared a good few pending items in my inbox, done some organizing and dealt with a few urgent tasks in the hope that it would help - all to no avail. My chest is still closed up with hard to breathe tightness, my hands still tingling and my feet wanting to move constantly.

Transition - that's it. That's this period, this time, this place that has me feeling not-quite-here and not-quite-there, that has me tensed up and waiting. Uncertainty, chomping at the bit, hope, fear, worry - it's all piled in there and I simply can't shake it today.

I have to. The more I don't get done what needs doing, the worse this gets.