Dear Aunty Jane

In my quest for time-movers, I've decided to play advice columnist based on recent Google searches that have (for some strange reason) ended on this blog. So here goes!

"does brandy custard go with christmas fruitcake"
Yes, dear - it does. And if you put enough brandy in the custard you can have it on the roast too!

"lose 5kg in 5 weeks"
Possible - but wait until the festive season is over! Life's too short not to pig out once a year. Oh, you may want to try some Picolax to help you out.

"hot south african men"
I have it on good authority that mine is steaming-hot. For goodness sake it's nearly 40 degrees C out there! Go find a beach and pick one up for yourself.

"serenity adoptions"
Right - one 14-year-old male going looking for a home. Comes fully attached to a computer and only needs regular slices of bread. Will throw in two free dogs.

"importance of attending to personal hygiene"
See 14-year-old male.

"cool green things"
Greenguage jelly. Cucumbers. 10-minute-old snot. Winter swimming pools. Green mambas. Algae in mountain streams. Lettuce. Cream soda slushie.

"why men are scared of women"
One word. Mornings. OK, here's another two - bed-hair.

"ass hair removal"
See here. Just move it over a few centimetres.

"if I can help somebody"
See "Donations" button to the right. Or click on a Google ad or two. Daily.

"car fright ad"
See here.

"how to prepare a spit braai recipe"
Easy - follow the instructions. Hmmm... let me rephrase that. It's not at all easy. Or cheap. Get a friend to do it and invite yourself over.

"beyond the night the rising sun"
Aaah, love that song! Stargate Atlantis, warrior chickie singing at a funeral. Wouldn't mind it sung at mine. I think there's something that appeals to my Irish roots in the music... and the words rock.

"south african chocolate mousse recipe"
My favourite one is right here. Just don't use house-brand evaporated milk for it. Ideal or Carnation Milk only. As I learnt to my detriment on my birthday.

"a blessing shower"
I presume "blessing" and "golden" are not the same thing...

And why are there so many searches for "fat lady" images hitting my blog...??? :-)

That's all for now folks! Tune in next time for more exciting Google results.