Do men get hormonal dips too, or is it only us chicks? Are men just "constant" - or perhaps the dips & peaks are age-related and last for years instead of days?
Why do people bother manufacturing/selling bad chocolate? Can't they just put in the effort to make the very best?
Which would you rather have - love or freedom? Can you have both - or is having one worth giving up the other? Do we recognize/embrace either when we have it - or merely regret not doing so in hindsight?
Why do countries fight so fiercely to maintain their borders - to keep some folk out and other folk in? Who drew the lines in the sand, anyway? And why do we continue to give them power?
Will we ever save the earth? Or is it already too late? If so - what will our future look like? How will we have to adapt to survive?
Why are so many people trying to limit so much of what we see, hear, experience and do? Are they scared of the power we'd wield if we weren't kept from it?
(all this on an empty stomach! time for lunch.. :-) )
By Hand
The ever-wonderful, ever-inspiring goddess Jen is back in blogworld, and writing up a storm of things that make your brain explode like popping candy.
Oh, just go read this. That second paragraph is EXACTLY right, and I'm guilty as charged... even while writing this sentance.
(and then go read everything else if you're feeling short on inspiration)
::update::
And DO go read this too!
Oh, just go read this. That second paragraph is EXACTLY right, and I'm guilty as charged... even while writing this sentance.
(and then go read everything else if you're feeling short on inspiration)
::update::
And DO go read this too!
Summer
You know one of the things that's really lekker about summer? Salads. For supper.
I'm sitting here with the windows wide open, the last heat of the day still hanging around as the sun goes down. And eating what may be called a Moeviese (say it like moo-ve-sah) salad. Lettuce, cucumber, small Roma tomatoes, a can of chickpeas, some olives, more than enough feta, couple of pickles and my home-made salad dressing. Totally filling, and perfect for a summer night.
It's 7:30 and still the kind of evening where you can sit outside and watch the world wind down (to the smell of the neighbours offering a sacrifice for supper - ie braaing). Cicadas are still going, the birds finishing off their final snack on the lawn outside. I've got a golden glow that says "winter's gone and you've been outdoors a lot" - light blonde streaks in the hair where the sun has planted kisses.
I'm SUCH a summer chick! :-)
And now I'm taking my salad and going to sit outside. The evening's too good to waste.
I'm sitting here with the windows wide open, the last heat of the day still hanging around as the sun goes down. And eating what may be called a Moeviese (say it like moo-ve-sah) salad. Lettuce, cucumber, small Roma tomatoes, a can of chickpeas, some olives, more than enough feta, couple of pickles and my home-made salad dressing. Totally filling, and perfect for a summer night.
It's 7:30 and still the kind of evening where you can sit outside and watch the world wind down (to the smell of the neighbours offering a sacrifice for supper - ie braaing). Cicadas are still going, the birds finishing off their final snack on the lawn outside. I've got a golden glow that says "winter's gone and you've been outdoors a lot" - light blonde streaks in the hair where the sun has planted kisses.
I'm SUCH a summer chick! :-)
And now I'm taking my salad and going to sit outside. The evening's too good to waste.
Gap, Take 2!
Yet again, everyone at work disappeared about an hour ago, and it's just me left to answer phones and questions. But I'm not going to sit here all afternoon. In fact, I think I'll go home, water the garden(hmm.. water's off! always on the hottest days..), and try re-do the walk route that nearly killed me yesterday! :-) Another very hot day, will take some water with this time.
All the other fun stuff I was working on will still be here tomorrow. If I can only find the free programmes I'm looking for to help me do it...
::update::
OK... I'm starting to wonder if I should lay off the walking for a while until I can figure out why I'm continuously dizzy and losing energy quick-like!
However, yesterday I picked up 5c on the walk - today I found 10c. If I keep this up I may start turning a profit! :-)
All the other fun stuff I was working on will still be here tomorrow. If I can only find the free programmes I'm looking for to help me do it...
::update::
OK... I'm starting to wonder if I should lay off the walking for a while until I can figure out why I'm continuously dizzy and losing energy quick-like!
However, yesterday I picked up 5c on the walk - today I found 10c. If I keep this up I may start turning a profit! :-)
Christmas approaches!
Last year I made every single gift I gave - the cushion covers, the real linen serviettes / napkins, the large hold-all bags, the wooden blocks, the old-fashioned photo albums, the Xmas stockings... Took a while, but it was fun! (Except that I seriously don't want to see another pink cushion in my life - last year's order was the result of a previous year's giving..!)This year I haven't even started to think about Christmas, nor shopping, nor what I want to give to family. OK, I lie - I have one thing bought, but it has some extra-long distance to travel so had to be done early.
I do know a lot of stuff will be hand-made again this year. Not only is it unique, but it's person-specific, carefully thought-out, and usually cheaper (and less stressful) than trying to find stuff in crowded malls. Which reminds me - our upcountry annual visitors are probably going to start migrating here within the week and crowding out everything. I'd better go stock up on groceries so I don't have to brave them! :-)
Back on topic though. I'm going to be doing a bit more woodwork for the nephews this year (blocks, hand-cut and painted - and a farm building set if I can manage it). The older relatives I'm simply uninspired for. We've kinda decided on a frugal Christmas - we're all busy saving for one thing or another, two groups for Europe adventures nxt year. Christmas lunch is not going to be the coma-inducing food-fest it usually is, but rather something simple like a braai.But to find something special AND frugal for those I need to give to?
Perhaps I should haul out the "green giving" article I wrote for a magazine that never published it, and knuckle down to it? Yup, I think I'd better. Hand-made does take a while....
-----------------------
On a related note, was wondering over lunch what kind of reaction I'd get from my fervently Christian brother if I invited him to a full-on pagan summer solstice celebration (complete with robes, incantations and candles), and then refused to celebrate a traditional Christian Christmas at his church... But that's just my wicked sense of humour kicking in, and I know he'd not be amused!!! :-) Won't go there, not even jokingly. Unless I want to be part of a demon-casting-out episode.
The Last Day
Today's the last day of school - and the last day of Primary School for the kid! I can't believe he's done with it.
I still remember the tiny thing he was when he hit grade 1, and how he pulled faces at the audience at that first awards ceremony (I regret eternally telling him he shouldn't have!). Now he's tall, gangly, teenage, and done with the "little school". This morning I saw him off from the front door for the last time - next year he'll have to leave a whole lot earlier to get to high school, which is still in the area, but a 5 minute walk instead of a 1 minute dash away.
Yes, high school - while I still have a discount available and live close by we're giving it a year's try to see how it goes. They don't offer part-time classes, so it will be full-time and regular. However - we're hoping to get some animation training with a local guy in over the holidays, which the kid will continue with after school hours at home.
This morning I'm attending a farewell tea for the parents and grade 7 class, then their final assembly - and thus it will end. Another chapter closed, an era gone.
And holidays! Is the year over already???
I still remember the tiny thing he was when he hit grade 1, and how he pulled faces at the audience at that first awards ceremony (I regret eternally telling him he shouldn't have!). Now he's tall, gangly, teenage, and done with the "little school". This morning I saw him off from the front door for the last time - next year he'll have to leave a whole lot earlier to get to high school, which is still in the area, but a 5 minute walk instead of a 1 minute dash away.
Yes, high school - while I still have a discount available and live close by we're giving it a year's try to see how it goes. They don't offer part-time classes, so it will be full-time and regular. However - we're hoping to get some animation training with a local guy in over the holidays, which the kid will continue with after school hours at home.
This morning I'm attending a farewell tea for the parents and grade 7 class, then their final assembly - and thus it will end. Another chapter closed, an era gone.
And holidays! Is the year over already???
Me
I think I've finally started to grow up! :-) I've realized I'm no longer willing to not be me - to spend my days attempting to impress people, or be something I'm not. Granted - we all want to be liked, and there are compromises and concessions to be made when relating to fellow humans. But not at the expense of our essence.
I'm not worried about putting on a face or conforming to what others expect me to be like anymore. I've got rough edges - I can be pretty intolerant of people who act like pigs. I'm shy - yet sometimes outspoken. I often put my foot in my mouth - but now and then have moments of brilliance that surprise even me! I've got a wickedly naughty streak that hardly ever gets let out to play, for fear of scaring people. I've got soft edges - a heart that wounds easily but quietly. I can't argue or fight well - I tend to shut up instead. I love a good laugh. I'm often to be found pondering things - figuring out where I fit in. But then tend to blend into the background - I'm not the life of the party (you'll find me in the kitchen instead). I have wobbly bits - but like to feel my muscles working hard. I'm competitive, but not in everything. I sometimes drool over good-looking men - not the type you'd see in magazines, just ones with a special something that shows up in who they are. I can talk the biggest load of rot (see "Blog"), yet have a brain that likes to know everything about everything, at least a little. I sometimes cry. I wear contact lenses. I like to be kissed (but it's been... well, about 10 years! perhaps I've forgotten what it's like). I like computers, gadgets, cool stuff that requires batteries or a power source - but can live without them if I'm outdoors and interacting with the earth. I've driven a train from Pretoria to Joburg. I sometimes say too much - I sometimes say too little. I hardly ever fall in love - but when I do, it runs deep. I sometimes think I suck as a parent, but the kid's still alive and seems to be doing OK. I get itchy feet, a lust for adventure - yet have worn quite a rut with my daily routines. I read in the bath. I notice birds and dogs (and end up taking strays home, albiet briefly - see "Walk"... ). I like to drive. I sometimes think I'm horribly ugly (see "Morning") - other times probably more beautiful than I really am. I hate my teeth - I like my eyes. I'm good with kids, but take a while to warm up to adults face to face. I'm too old to play games, to play hard to get. I sometimes feel like I'm still a teen. I take pride in accomplishing things, especially outside the realm of stuff girls would normally do (see "Olivia"). I once went skinny-dipping with sharks (unknowingly). I'm sometimes confused and uncertain. I love the smell of rain, the feel of sunshine, the sound of early-morning silence and dusk quietening down. I can be a bitch, but not often. Some people underestimate me - others overestimate me. I'm lazy - therefore I'm organized! :-) I sometimes just want to be held (see "Hormones"). I've got wrinkles around my eyes, and greys taking over from blonde. I've got freckles. I'm starting to look like my mother...
And yet the Real Me runs even deeper than this. To places very few people see or even know about. I've got layers, like an onion, like an Ogre.. :-) Only a handful have dug deep enough to find some of them, have taken the time it requires to open me up. Yet I don't hide on purpose. I am who I am - simple and complex. Lately that's enough. I won't put on a show or display who I'm not.
So here's me - warts (well, only one wart - right hand, middle finger, knuckle) and all. Take it or leave it! :-)
I'm not worried about putting on a face or conforming to what others expect me to be like anymore. I've got rough edges - I can be pretty intolerant of people who act like pigs. I'm shy - yet sometimes outspoken. I often put my foot in my mouth - but now and then have moments of brilliance that surprise even me! I've got a wickedly naughty streak that hardly ever gets let out to play, for fear of scaring people. I've got soft edges - a heart that wounds easily but quietly. I can't argue or fight well - I tend to shut up instead. I love a good laugh. I'm often to be found pondering things - figuring out where I fit in. But then tend to blend into the background - I'm not the life of the party (you'll find me in the kitchen instead). I have wobbly bits - but like to feel my muscles working hard. I'm competitive, but not in everything. I sometimes drool over good-looking men - not the type you'd see in magazines, just ones with a special something that shows up in who they are. I can talk the biggest load of rot (see "Blog"), yet have a brain that likes to know everything about everything, at least a little. I sometimes cry. I wear contact lenses. I like to be kissed (but it's been... well, about 10 years! perhaps I've forgotten what it's like). I like computers, gadgets, cool stuff that requires batteries or a power source - but can live without them if I'm outdoors and interacting with the earth. I've driven a train from Pretoria to Joburg. I sometimes say too much - I sometimes say too little. I hardly ever fall in love - but when I do, it runs deep. I sometimes think I suck as a parent, but the kid's still alive and seems to be doing OK. I get itchy feet, a lust for adventure - yet have worn quite a rut with my daily routines. I read in the bath. I notice birds and dogs (and end up taking strays home, albiet briefly - see "Walk"... ). I like to drive. I sometimes think I'm horribly ugly (see "Morning") - other times probably more beautiful than I really am. I hate my teeth - I like my eyes. I'm good with kids, but take a while to warm up to adults face to face. I'm too old to play games, to play hard to get. I sometimes feel like I'm still a teen. I take pride in accomplishing things, especially outside the realm of stuff girls would normally do (see "Olivia"). I once went skinny-dipping with sharks (unknowingly). I'm sometimes confused and uncertain. I love the smell of rain, the feel of sunshine, the sound of early-morning silence and dusk quietening down. I can be a bitch, but not often. Some people underestimate me - others overestimate me. I'm lazy - therefore I'm organized! :-) I sometimes just want to be held (see "Hormones"). I've got wrinkles around my eyes, and greys taking over from blonde. I've got freckles. I'm starting to look like my mother...
And yet the Real Me runs even deeper than this. To places very few people see or even know about. I've got layers, like an onion, like an Ogre.. :-) Only a handful have dug deep enough to find some of them, have taken the time it requires to open me up. Yet I don't hide on purpose. I am who I am - simple and complex. Lately that's enough. I won't put on a show or display who I'm not.
So here's me - warts (well, only one wart - right hand, middle finger, knuckle) and all. Take it or leave it! :-)
The thing about dreams...
..is this:
Very often they start small, but they grow easily to fill a massive space in the imagination as they gather momentum and facets. And when one dies, instead of the small hole a dream would initially have left - there's a big empty space!
But here's the thing - just think how many more dreams have room to grow in that space! It's like an old, gigantic tree falling over in the jungle. Everything its shade has crowded out before now has a shot at taking it's place. Sometimes a couple of them grow up to fill it - sometimes only one.
A week or so back my DailyOM spoke about imagining your wildest dreams, picturing them, asking for them - but there was one sentance that I saw, which has been niggling me, and which I chose at that time to brush aside. It said "but don't be tied to their outcome". In other words, be flexible enough to both dream big AND change with the flow of life. Don't hang all your hopes on a wish - but be willing to accept with open hands what will come to you, and be thankful for it.
I'm learning that, a little bit at a time. That life is never cut and dried, but takes unexpected turns. Yet there is always the chance for contentment and happiness, if you will but live with open hands, an open mind and an open heart.
In the midst of a withering dream today, I've found that there's still an underlying joy deep within, a knowledge that I'm still heading in the right direction - I just need to accept that I can never plot my course exactly.
Completely freeing perspective! One that needs practice, but good.
Very often they start small, but they grow easily to fill a massive space in the imagination as they gather momentum and facets. And when one dies, instead of the small hole a dream would initially have left - there's a big empty space!
But here's the thing - just think how many more dreams have room to grow in that space! It's like an old, gigantic tree falling over in the jungle. Everything its shade has crowded out before now has a shot at taking it's place. Sometimes a couple of them grow up to fill it - sometimes only one.
A week or so back my DailyOM spoke about imagining your wildest dreams, picturing them, asking for them - but there was one sentance that I saw, which has been niggling me, and which I chose at that time to brush aside. It said "but don't be tied to their outcome". In other words, be flexible enough to both dream big AND change with the flow of life. Don't hang all your hopes on a wish - but be willing to accept with open hands what will come to you, and be thankful for it.
I'm learning that, a little bit at a time. That life is never cut and dried, but takes unexpected turns. Yet there is always the chance for contentment and happiness, if you will but live with open hands, an open mind and an open heart.
In the midst of a withering dream today, I've found that there's still an underlying joy deep within, a knowledge that I'm still heading in the right direction - I just need to accept that I can never plot my course exactly.
Completely freeing perspective! One that needs practice, but good.
Take the Gap
I'm one of only two people at work this afternoon (the other one being the receptionist) the only one at work this afternoon. Everyone else either left straight from brunch for home, or only had to work until 1. So why am I here? Sucker for punishment perhaps? Trying to impress the boss? :-) Maybe... but I've also used the peace and quiet to accomplish quite a few things - without having to wait for a copy machine, fax machine or whatever. I've reduced my work load to a mere list of inspiration to investigate for website purposes, and one paper awaiting an answer. Cool, hey!
And now I'm going to load the recycling into the car, drop it off at the primary school, then take the gap that everyone's already dashed through - and go set Olivia's idle speed (update - DONE! one more thing learnt). Thereafter, I'm making up for a few days and having an extra-long walk. It's hot outside, but I could do with a good sweat. There's still a few things in my brain that need to be jiggled into position while the legs are moving. (Just hope I don't get attacked by a dog this time) (update - 10km or so in heat is no joking matter! Can you say "heat exhaustion"? Sitting here munching glucose powder and drinking water, trying to stop the world spinning after a hellish last few kays)
And now I'm going to load the recycling into the car, drop it off at the primary school, then take the gap that everyone's already dashed through - and go set Olivia's idle speed (update - DONE! one more thing learnt). Thereafter, I'm making up for a few days and having an extra-long walk. It's hot outside, but I could do with a good sweat. There's still a few things in my brain that need to be jiggled into position while the legs are moving. (Just hope I don't get attacked by a dog this time) (update - 10km or so in heat is no joking matter! Can you say "heat exhaustion"? Sitting here munching glucose powder and drinking water, trying to stop the world spinning after a hellish last few kays)
Grease Girl
On the way to that function I had to stop and fill up the car's tank. I've noticed something though - thanks to working on Olivia, I'm a lot more aware of things in the Ford's engine, and willing to get my hands dirty.
At the petrol station I spotted a whisp of something smokey/steamy - and was able to immediately identify what was going on, stick the hands in the (boiling hot) engine and fix it. I also found myself irritated with the guy that over-filled both the tank and the water resorvoir, and found myself wondering about whether I've been using the correct engine oil or not.
All of which I would have probably let slide or known not much about a couple of months ago.
I like the fact that I know more each day, that I'm gaining confidence to work with things mechanical. I've always wanted to know how my car works and be able to sort things out myself - and now I'm starting to. It's a good feeling to know that I can sort out basic issues, or at least identify what the problem is.
Recently I was struggling with Olivia's starting issues. Although I took a long time to find the very simple solution, I'm amazed that I diagnosed the main problem by sound - fuel starvation. That's a big step up from when I got her, but confirms that I can actually do this. I have to admit I was terrified I'd completely stuff up at first... But it's simply an extension of my "drive by instinct", my habit of tuning in to every movement, noise and vibration (mostly subconciously) as I'm driving. With greater knowledge comes a greater ability to feel what's going on.
So here's to grease. And smelling like petrol for a couple of days. And burning hands on hot engine blocks while adjusting pipes. And all that good stuff! :-)
At the petrol station I spotted a whisp of something smokey/steamy - and was able to immediately identify what was going on, stick the hands in the (boiling hot) engine and fix it. I also found myself irritated with the guy that over-filled both the tank and the water resorvoir, and found myself wondering about whether I've been using the correct engine oil or not.
All of which I would have probably let slide or known not much about a couple of months ago.
I like the fact that I know more each day, that I'm gaining confidence to work with things mechanical. I've always wanted to know how my car works and be able to sort things out myself - and now I'm starting to. It's a good feeling to know that I can sort out basic issues, or at least identify what the problem is.
Recently I was struggling with Olivia's starting issues. Although I took a long time to find the very simple solution, I'm amazed that I diagnosed the main problem by sound - fuel starvation. That's a big step up from when I got her, but confirms that I can actually do this. I have to admit I was terrified I'd completely stuff up at first... But it's simply an extension of my "drive by instinct", my habit of tuning in to every movement, noise and vibration (mostly subconciously) as I'm driving. With greater knowledge comes a greater ability to feel what's going on.
So here's to grease. And smelling like petrol for a couple of days. And burning hands on hot engine blocks while adjusting pipes. And all that good stuff! :-)
Time to think
Yet again I find my life taking an unexpected twist this morning, with a new dream needing to be found, and quickly, to replace a rather big blank spot. Thankfully I'm about to drive a looong way to that year-end function, and am going alone. Plenty of time to think...
::update::
Nearly two hours of driving does help - though it's the kind of road where concentration and sticking to the speed limit is essential, up and over the mountains through a lot of traffic big and small. I've mourned the blank spot (literally - should have taken extra mascara), and I am on the way to reformatting the right direction to jump. Although I'd like to trust my gut feel completely and all the time, there are nuances that I still need to understand - shadows and shades of truth that need examining and defining. Vague? Yes - on purpose. Sometimes it's better not to say too much. Quiet is needed and not noise, to help refocus thought patterns and ideals. I'll get there eventually.. :-)
::update::
Nearly two hours of driving does help - though it's the kind of road where concentration and sticking to the speed limit is essential, up and over the mountains through a lot of traffic big and small. I've mourned the blank spot (literally - should have taken extra mascara), and I am on the way to reformatting the right direction to jump. Although I'd like to trust my gut feel completely and all the time, there are nuances that I still need to understand - shadows and shades of truth that need examining and defining. Vague? Yes - on purpose. Sometimes it's better not to say too much. Quiet is needed and not noise, to help refocus thought patterns and ideals. I'll get there eventually.. :-)
Snippets
It's been quite the Day today, so here are a few blogging breadcrumbs, chucked out into cyberspace for pecking purposes:
* Tonight is the last primary school Awards Evening I'll be attending! Last night for hard chairs, numb-bum-syndrome and droning-on certificates - each kid gets at least one, in the entire school. Even if it's just for being "helpful and friendly" or "making progress". But the kid's in his last year of primary school, so this is it. Only a day and a half left. As for next year? Still negotiating... It's a bit of a mission!
::update::
You know it's been a good night when you get out of there in a mere hour and a half! 'Tis done.
And after a chat with both teacher and kid, it seems we're going to give one year of high school a try next year, see how it goes. I get a major discount - but only for this coming year. Who knows, by the end of the year the kid could like it. In the meantime I still need to plan for Aug/Sept's Camino...
* Amazing how one small shard of grass - yes GRASS - from the lawn mowing can hurt an eye so much.. :-) I look like someone socked me in the iris. Ah well, these things happen.
* I seem to be allerging to Allergex. How weird is that!? Decided to chuck the stuff today and in spite of doing things that might induce hayfever (see above), have been A-OK. Too strange.
* For some reason our office year-end function is an hour's drive from the beautiful environment in which we work and live. Unable to find a lift, so sincerely hope the FrigginFord makes it tomorrow. It's a long haul up that mountain and back again - the same road we took to our weekend getaway 2 weeks back. But we will take full advantage of it - and only eat a single (free) meal tomorrow. Maybe. Perhaps I shouldn't take a chance. I'll have breakfast too, just in case. Wonder if I should update my will before I go? :-) (if you don't hear from me tomorrow...)
* Someone I haven't seen since high school turned up in my office this afternoon. He's changed quite a bit - and says I've "matured". Yeah, that's what you get when it's been about 20 years! :-) Cool to reconnect though. Funny how the one thing he remembers most was kissing me on the girl's dorm steps... eish! Another era.
Well, let me go cut the kid's hair. We've just polished his shoes, which with a bit of luck will not fall apart on stage tonight (the heel's glued in) but last at least another day and a bit. And then go applaud the efforts of young and old for surviving another year in the trenches.
* Tonight is the last primary school Awards Evening I'll be attending! Last night for hard chairs, numb-bum-syndrome and droning-on certificates - each kid gets at least one, in the entire school. Even if it's just for being "helpful and friendly" or "making progress". But the kid's in his last year of primary school, so this is it. Only a day and a half left. As for next year? Still negotiating... It's a bit of a mission!
::update::
You know it's been a good night when you get out of there in a mere hour and a half! 'Tis done.
And after a chat with both teacher and kid, it seems we're going to give one year of high school a try next year, see how it goes. I get a major discount - but only for this coming year. Who knows, by the end of the year the kid could like it. In the meantime I still need to plan for Aug/Sept's Camino...
* Amazing how one small shard of grass - yes GRASS - from the lawn mowing can hurt an eye so much.. :-) I look like someone socked me in the iris. Ah well, these things happen.
* I seem to be allerging to Allergex. How weird is that!? Decided to chuck the stuff today and in spite of doing things that might induce hayfever (see above), have been A-OK. Too strange.
* For some reason our office year-end function is an hour's drive from the beautiful environment in which we work and live. Unable to find a lift, so sincerely hope the FrigginFord makes it tomorrow. It's a long haul up that mountain and back again - the same road we took to our weekend getaway 2 weeks back. But we will take full advantage of it - and only eat a single (free) meal tomorrow. Maybe. Perhaps I shouldn't take a chance. I'll have breakfast too, just in case. Wonder if I should update my will before I go? :-) (if you don't hear from me tomorrow...)
* Someone I haven't seen since high school turned up in my office this afternoon. He's changed quite a bit - and says I've "matured". Yeah, that's what you get when it's been about 20 years! :-) Cool to reconnect though. Funny how the one thing he remembers most was kissing me on the girl's dorm steps... eish! Another era.
Well, let me go cut the kid's hair. We've just polished his shoes, which with a bit of luck will not fall apart on stage tonight (the heel's glued in) but last at least another day and a bit. And then go applaud the efforts of young and old for surviving another year in the trenches.
Bird Shelter
Apparently I've become the local bird shelter. Last night someone turned up with a baby nightjar found in the road, and it was all hands to rescue mode again! Thank goodness for our bird book, which gives dietary advice..This time we got one that was more than 2 days old. He was fully-feathered, with beautiful wing markings - but still a bit of downiness. He was gasping for breath and hot - so we gave him a bit of water and then started hunting insects. Only came up with a few flies, but I reckoned it was a start and we'd get some other things later.
Unfortunately though, this tale didn't have a happy ending. Within 2 hours the poor fowl had passed on to another plane. I suspect he spent the entire day sitting out in the hot sun, with an empty crop. By the time we got him it was already too late. I returned him to the wilds to complete the circle of existance and death.
I'm starting to wonder if I should gather advance knowledge on every bird species around here - especially the care and feeding of baby birds - just in case! Who knows what we'll be handed next.
Reality & Illusion
Posting this only as a way-marker on the journey. A blip on the timeline.
The toilet is a good place to ponder. And I've just been sitting on said throne. Pondering.
I'm not sure if it's the lateness of the hour, the fact that it's been a tiring day, or perhaps one too many Allergex - but I sometimes wonder what is reality and what is illusion.
Take all those big plans I have, the dreams, the abundance I expect the universe to throw my way. Is that all simply pie in the sky? Sometimes it feels so. Like they'll always be intangibly just out of reach, inhabiting only the daydream realm and not quite touching earth for me to grab hold of. All mere illusion. The feelings, the certainties, the ideas and ideals.
Reality though - is it the here and now, this sense that life will continue like it has forever, unchanging, plodding onwards? Or is what I'm perceiving around me the illusion - and the goals in my mind are where reality lies?
I'm probably not making much sense. It would take some doing to get into my thought processes and work it out, see it through my eyes. But sometimes it feels as if the world has been flipped upside down. As if all I'll ever have is what I have now - and those lofty ideals will fade like mist in sun when put under scrutiny.
Yet there are things happening that say "hey - it's the dreams that are real", that urge me to throw off the mundane of every-day, even though I do have to live it. Now and then I get glimpses of things beyond what I could ever hope for - and they feel like they're happening, that I'm on the brink of diving into the biggest adventure ever. Not at this hour though - and not after one to many Allergex! :-) (for some reason I've had the most awful hayfever in the past week) Right now it seems as if Real Life is just varying shades of grey. Logic says "chuck the dreams". My heart, however, has other plans.
I choose to cling to the things I have asked for, the things I trust I will receive, as impossible as they may appear. I choose to dream, I choose what some may call mere illusions. It may take but one good night's rest to banish this plodding, soul-sucking, sinking sense of reality once more.
The toilet is a good place to ponder. And I've just been sitting on said throne. Pondering.
I'm not sure if it's the lateness of the hour, the fact that it's been a tiring day, or perhaps one too many Allergex - but I sometimes wonder what is reality and what is illusion.
Take all those big plans I have, the dreams, the abundance I expect the universe to throw my way. Is that all simply pie in the sky? Sometimes it feels so. Like they'll always be intangibly just out of reach, inhabiting only the daydream realm and not quite touching earth for me to grab hold of. All mere illusion. The feelings, the certainties, the ideas and ideals.
Reality though - is it the here and now, this sense that life will continue like it has forever, unchanging, plodding onwards? Or is what I'm perceiving around me the illusion - and the goals in my mind are where reality lies?
I'm probably not making much sense. It would take some doing to get into my thought processes and work it out, see it through my eyes. But sometimes it feels as if the world has been flipped upside down. As if all I'll ever have is what I have now - and those lofty ideals will fade like mist in sun when put under scrutiny.
Yet there are things happening that say "hey - it's the dreams that are real", that urge me to throw off the mundane of every-day, even though I do have to live it. Now and then I get glimpses of things beyond what I could ever hope for - and they feel like they're happening, that I'm on the brink of diving into the biggest adventure ever. Not at this hour though - and not after one to many Allergex! :-) (for some reason I've had the most awful hayfever in the past week) Right now it seems as if Real Life is just varying shades of grey. Logic says "chuck the dreams". My heart, however, has other plans.
I choose to cling to the things I have asked for, the things I trust I will receive, as impossible as they may appear. I choose to dream, I choose what some may call mere illusions. It may take but one good night's rest to banish this plodding, soul-sucking, sinking sense of reality once more.
Friday!
Yay, Friday again! And I've landed running. The best time to try get a fax to Zimbabwe is very early in the morning before the lines collapse for the day, and with quite a few of them needing to go I was here extra-early.
This in spite of sleeping in until 7 - no kid to prepare for school meant I was good to go within half an hour of waking up. Yet in an odd way I did miss the bustle and "you're running out of time..." that usually accompanies our morning efforts. The dogs did too - Sid was whining and bumping his front feet on the bed to get me up well before I wanted or needed to. Silly creature - I though cockatiels were bad! (we got rid of ours after a year of not being able to move in the morning without being chirped at!)
This morning there's a gentle rain drifting down, cooling off the day a bit, greening up the grass and watering my strawberry patch. They promise it will clear up for the weekend, so let's hold thumbs. I was going to plant out the rest of the veggies - but now suddenly this morning hear there's a chance of a larger place to live, just next door, and we may need to move. We've been in a one-bedroom flat for 10 years now, and it would be really nice to have a bit more room, especially for the teen kid who needs his own bedroom - and for my two international guests who will arrive between Christmas and New Year and need a place to sleep! Have put in the request - now we wait.
But back to Friday - yet again a half-day, with much to accomplish. However, I've been cultivating that inner calm again, and although I'm rushing on the outside, I'm completely mellow on the inside. Weekend mode already! :-)
This in spite of sleeping in until 7 - no kid to prepare for school meant I was good to go within half an hour of waking up. Yet in an odd way I did miss the bustle and "you're running out of time..." that usually accompanies our morning efforts. The dogs did too - Sid was whining and bumping his front feet on the bed to get me up well before I wanted or needed to. Silly creature - I though cockatiels were bad! (we got rid of ours after a year of not being able to move in the morning without being chirped at!)
This morning there's a gentle rain drifting down, cooling off the day a bit, greening up the grass and watering my strawberry patch. They promise it will clear up for the weekend, so let's hold thumbs. I was going to plant out the rest of the veggies - but now suddenly this morning hear there's a chance of a larger place to live, just next door, and we may need to move. We've been in a one-bedroom flat for 10 years now, and it would be really nice to have a bit more room, especially for the teen kid who needs his own bedroom - and for my two international guests who will arrive between Christmas and New Year and need a place to sleep! Have put in the request - now we wait.
But back to Friday - yet again a half-day, with much to accomplish. However, I've been cultivating that inner calm again, and although I'm rushing on the outside, I'm completely mellow on the inside. Weekend mode already! :-)
Single vs Parent
OK, I admit it. I'm a boring old fart. Although I'm a good single mom, I currently make a terrible single woman!
I probably left things a bit late - but did manage to rustle up a friend for dinner/drinks on my kid-free night. However, they bailed by cellphone shortly thereafter, after I'd already got toffed up and driven to the location. Tried a few other folk - no-one was available. So I wandered around - went into Wordsworth and found some cool books, looked at movies, looked at restaurants.... all the time pondering "do I want to just go alone?".
Came up a No - and not just for the "alone" thing. I looked at the food and realized I'd rather be eating home-made baked potatoes with my home-made mayo, olive oil and garlic - and the rest of the gigantically lekker salad I had for lunch. I'm not quite sure I trust restaurant kitchens either - and I like to know what goes into my food. I looked at the drinks and realized I had better stuff to drink at home. Both of which were free as opposed to over-inflated restaurant prices. I looked at the movies, and although there was one I wouldn't mind seeing, I have many free ones at home. I'm not willing to pay that much cash for some mindless entertainment - I have better things to do with my moola. I looked at the restaurants, and remembered the look of horror and pity on the hostess's face the last time I asked for a "table for one", as well as the sidelong glances I got from other folk (not that I mind, just wasn't lus for it tonight). I drove past a bar and a clubby-type place and thought "nah...".
So after a few cool shots of the sunset thanks to my ever-present camera (with a gaze at the new moon), a book browse and a bit of a wander... I came home!
And made my potatoes, and salad, and drinks. And fired up the computer to hang with the Landy UK forum, and update a few things I couldn't get to today, and entertain myself with stuff I know well and enjoy, as well as taking time to read things that stretch the mind a bit.
Perhaps I wouldn't be a boring old fart if I had more than a single evening in which to get used to the idea of not having to be a mom. As it is, it's strange for me to not have to make two suppers, get school goodies sorted for tomorrow, worry about bedtimes and such. I'm in, I'm out, I'm doing my own thing. Happy enough - just not used to it.
Thing is, I'm going to have to get used to having a life on my own again. One parent shared with me on Tuesday night that her son (my son's age) has a girlfriend - she has to drop him off near where they're going and come back in 3 hours. In the meantime she gets to entertain herself. The kid doesn't yet have a girlfriend, but it's coming. It will be my turn soon! Maybe then I'll have time to learn how to let my hair down again.
Thus another opportunity to be wild and woolly passes me by. I've more than made up for it in younger days, but that was a loooonnnng time ago. Perhaps I've passed my expiry date after all? :-)
I probably left things a bit late - but did manage to rustle up a friend for dinner/drinks on my kid-free night. However, they bailed by cellphone shortly thereafter, after I'd already got toffed up and driven to the location. Tried a few other folk - no-one was available. So I wandered around - went into Wordsworth and found some cool books, looked at movies, looked at restaurants.... all the time pondering "do I want to just go alone?".
Came up a No - and not just for the "alone" thing. I looked at the food and realized I'd rather be eating home-made baked potatoes with my home-made mayo, olive oil and garlic - and the rest of the gigantically lekker salad I had for lunch. I'm not quite sure I trust restaurant kitchens either - and I like to know what goes into my food. I looked at the drinks and realized I had better stuff to drink at home. Both of which were free as opposed to over-inflated restaurant prices. I looked at the movies, and although there was one I wouldn't mind seeing, I have many free ones at home. I'm not willing to pay that much cash for some mindless entertainment - I have better things to do with my moola. I looked at the restaurants, and remembered the look of horror and pity on the hostess's face the last time I asked for a "table for one", as well as the sidelong glances I got from other folk (not that I mind, just wasn't lus for it tonight). I drove past a bar and a clubby-type place and thought "nah...".
So after a few cool shots of the sunset thanks to my ever-present camera (with a gaze at the new moon), a book browse and a bit of a wander... I came home!
And made my potatoes, and salad, and drinks. And fired up the computer to hang with the Landy UK forum, and update a few things I couldn't get to today, and entertain myself with stuff I know well and enjoy, as well as taking time to read things that stretch the mind a bit.
Perhaps I wouldn't be a boring old fart if I had more than a single evening in which to get used to the idea of not having to be a mom. As it is, it's strange for me to not have to make two suppers, get school goodies sorted for tomorrow, worry about bedtimes and such. I'm in, I'm out, I'm doing my own thing. Happy enough - just not used to it.
Thing is, I'm going to have to get used to having a life on my own again. One parent shared with me on Tuesday night that her son (my son's age) has a girlfriend - she has to drop him off near where they're going and come back in 3 hours. In the meantime she gets to entertain herself. The kid doesn't yet have a girlfriend, but it's coming. It will be my turn soon! Maybe then I'll have time to learn how to let my hair down again.
Thus another opportunity to be wild and woolly passes me by. I've more than made up for it in younger days, but that was a loooonnnng time ago. Perhaps I've passed my expiry date after all? :-)
New Gadget
It's common knowledge that guys like gadgets. Doesn't matter what they do, or whether they do anything at all - guys will go nuts over things that have moving parts, spinning wheels, flashing lights, or combine a lot of stuff in one very small thing. Believe me, it's inbred - every time we walk past Gadget World the kid has to go in, even if they have nothing new from the previous (two hundred) week/s.
But girls like gadgets too! Especially useful ones that make life a lot easier. And last night I got one...
I've mentioned before my cellphone is kaput. Completely outdated and no longer works, much to the frustration of in-laws and outlaws who try to reach me on it. I've kinda liked being unavailable when I'm not near a landline - but on the other hand, the main reason I got it in the first place was for emergencies. Of the road variety. In case something breaks down or blows up or collapses and I'm stranded. (Though the other day I was wondering who I'd call if that happened - most folk are too far away to do anything to help!)
I've been looking to replace the phone, but don't want to have to take the contract/activation issues that come with one. I've got a prepaid thing going on a paid-off phone, only use as much airtime as I need to, and then let it carry over indefinitely. So I've hesitated - not willing to spend hundreds of bucks on things I don't need.
Until last night. Someone GAVE me a brand-new phone! OK, it's not equipped with all the technology that comes with many of them these days. But it doesn't cut out when you press any buttons, you can actually CALL people on it, and it WORKS. It's also less than half the size of the old brick, so will fit into my bag without attempting to burst the little pocket made for such devices - in fact it's so small I may lose it..! But I'll be careful.
Gotta new gadget! Read the instructions, figured out the settings, and we're good to go! YAY!
But girls like gadgets too! Especially useful ones that make life a lot easier. And last night I got one...
I've mentioned before my cellphone is kaput. Completely outdated and no longer works, much to the frustration of in-laws and outlaws who try to reach me on it. I've kinda liked being unavailable when I'm not near a landline - but on the other hand, the main reason I got it in the first place was for emergencies. Of the road variety. In case something breaks down or blows up or collapses and I'm stranded. (Though the other day I was wondering who I'd call if that happened - most folk are too far away to do anything to help!)
I've been looking to replace the phone, but don't want to have to take the contract/activation issues that come with one. I've got a prepaid thing going on a paid-off phone, only use as much airtime as I need to, and then let it carry over indefinitely. So I've hesitated - not willing to spend hundreds of bucks on things I don't need.
Until last night. Someone GAVE me a brand-new phone! OK, it's not equipped with all the technology that comes with many of them these days. But it doesn't cut out when you press any buttons, you can actually CALL people on it, and it WORKS. It's also less than half the size of the old brick, so will fit into my bag without attempting to burst the little pocket made for such devices - in fact it's so small I may lose it..! But I'll be careful.
Gotta new gadget! Read the instructions, figured out the settings, and we're good to go! YAY!
Single(parent)
Well, the kid is gone - off to an overnight camp with his grade, so I'm left more Single than Parent for a day and a half!
So what am I doing with my "freedom"? Well - taking a half-day at work, for one. It's beautiful weather outside, perfect to be out and about a bit. Some of it I'll see from beneath the Landy, once I've stocked up on an appropriate oil for the bits. Some of it I may see from the beach - considering a walk later this afternoon. Also taking a bit of me-time to do a few things, like shop for some new work clothes that actually fit.
And this evening.. well, I've left it a bit late, so still trying to decide what I want to do. I was hoping to take Olivia out on the town, but have decided to wait for the insurance confirmation before I venture too far into traffic. I really don't want to take any chances. Fortunately car#2 is ready and revving to go, so may still go out tonight. Where? With who? Still to be decided. We'll see.
'Cos I don't have to be up extra-early to feed & clothe the kid in time for school, I can lie abed a little longer tomorrow morning too - which means I also don't have to be home very early tonight... :-) But I think I've done most of my "jolling" in a previous lifetime, and won't go paint too much of the town red. Just a building or two perhaps.
With no picky eater, I get to munch what I want for the next few meals. In other words loads of veggies, things like asparagus and beetroot broccoli. I can also eat my dark chocolate in peace without a begger - well, other than dogs that is. But they're not getting into my stash, no matter how they beg.
First though, I have quite a stack of work to accomplish while the morning is still fresh. I certainly don't want to spend my off-time thinking of things I should be doing!
So what am I doing with my "freedom"? Well - taking a half-day at work, for one. It's beautiful weather outside, perfect to be out and about a bit. Some of it I'll see from beneath the Landy, once I've stocked up on an appropriate oil for the bits. Some of it I may see from the beach - considering a walk later this afternoon. Also taking a bit of me-time to do a few things, like shop for some new work clothes that actually fit.
And this evening.. well, I've left it a bit late, so still trying to decide what I want to do. I was hoping to take Olivia out on the town, but have decided to wait for the insurance confirmation before I venture too far into traffic. I really don't want to take any chances. Fortunately car#2 is ready and revving to go, so may still go out tonight. Where? With who? Still to be decided. We'll see.
'Cos I don't have to be up extra-early to feed & clothe the kid in time for school, I can lie abed a little longer tomorrow morning too - which means I also don't have to be home very early tonight... :-) But I think I've done most of my "jolling" in a previous lifetime, and won't go paint too much of the town red. Just a building or two perhaps.
With no picky eater, I get to munch what I want for the next few meals. In other words loads of veggies, things like asparagus and beetroot broccoli. I can also eat my dark chocolate in peace without a begger - well, other than dogs that is. But they're not getting into my stash, no matter how they beg.
First though, I have quite a stack of work to accomplish while the morning is still fresh. I certainly don't want to spend my off-time thinking of things I should be doing!
3x?
Just overhearing my colleague's choice of music for the day - a blast from the past if you will. But what the heck is "three times a lady" supposed to mean? Did you have a sex change, changed back, another change, change back, and a final change?
Dinner for 11
Robert managed to sneak in a tag when I wasn't looking, wanting to know which 10 people I'd ask to dinner. Traditionally, the list seems to be "invitations to the rich and famous", but I'm not that into rich and famous. Instead, I'd like to invite people I could relate to, have fun with, enjoy a few hours of company and good food. Like friends and bloggers! :-) Except that there are so many of them it would be more like a crowd than just 10. I may have to have repeat dinners. I'd throw in a few famous folk to make things interesting - and just hope they'd have the decency to act like normal people (which, really, they are) around us minions.
So here's my list, narrowed down to the top-of-my-head few:
* Nelson Mandela - a bit of a cliche really, but the man fascinates me and I'd love to talk to him one-on-one for a bit.
* Chitty - always good to serve nuts with your meal...
* Meryl Streep - I've enjoyed the bits of her personality that show through ever since I saw "Out of Africa" (probably instilled my love for the long road too). She gets simply better with age. One of the few actresses I wouldn't mind meeting.
* Solbeam - her free spirit and amazing perspectives would add a unique aspect to the gathering. If I could get her to sit in one place long enough.. :-)
* Sean Connery - simply because he's the hottest old guy I know, and he'd be immense fun to chat to. In the moments when I wasn't ogling him out the corner of my eye, that is.
* Kyknoord - why have only one variety of nut at the meal?
* Redsaid - have met her only once before, but she's awesome and loads of fun.
* TR - far-away friend, would be cool to sit down and natter eyeball to eyeball - yet another nut to add to the mix.
* SingleMom - cos I think she could do with a good meal in good company after a few rough weeks.. :-)
* BD - yet another far-away friend that could do with some face-to-face chatting. And yup, another nut.
That's 10 - but I have so many others I'd love to invite! Can I start filling up a second table?
Further instructions on this tag were: “To add a twist to this and hopefully it gets kicked around the net a bit you must pick two fellow bloggers as waiters/waitresses and in so doing they become tagged and hopefully replicate a list of their own on their site.”
So - Waiter: Rodney Olsen
Waitress: Patchouli
Go forth and do Slow Food!
So here's my list, narrowed down to the top-of-my-head few:
* Nelson Mandela - a bit of a cliche really, but the man fascinates me and I'd love to talk to him one-on-one for a bit.
* Chitty - always good to serve nuts with your meal...
* Meryl Streep - I've enjoyed the bits of her personality that show through ever since I saw "Out of Africa" (probably instilled my love for the long road too). She gets simply better with age. One of the few actresses I wouldn't mind meeting.
* Solbeam - her free spirit and amazing perspectives would add a unique aspect to the gathering. If I could get her to sit in one place long enough.. :-)
* Sean Connery - simply because he's the hottest old guy I know, and he'd be immense fun to chat to. In the moments when I wasn't ogling him out the corner of my eye, that is.
* Kyknoord - why have only one variety of nut at the meal?
* Redsaid - have met her only once before, but she's awesome and loads of fun.
* TR - far-away friend, would be cool to sit down and natter eyeball to eyeball - yet another nut to add to the mix.
* SingleMom - cos I think she could do with a good meal in good company after a few rough weeks.. :-)
* BD - yet another far-away friend that could do with some face-to-face chatting. And yup, another nut.
That's 10 - but I have so many others I'd love to invite! Can I start filling up a second table?
Further instructions on this tag were: “To add a twist to this and hopefully it gets kicked around the net a bit you must pick two fellow bloggers as waiters/waitresses and in so doing they become tagged and hopefully replicate a list of their own on their site.”
So - Waiter: Rodney Olsen
Waitress: Patchouli
Go forth and do Slow Food!
Over Breakfast...
So the kid's making breakfast this morning, and reckons we should put All Bran Flakes, milk and Head & Shoulders all in one bowl. Then we'll REALLY see if it removes 100% flakes! :-)
Quotes
I need to get out more - or at least my mind does. Until recently I'd never heard of Tom Robbins. Now that I have, I keep coming back to quotes I found online.
When you lose direction or veer slightly off course, it's often the words of others wiser than you that steer you back. Or sometimes you just need a soul-plunge. These are both. In case you've never heard of him, here are a few of his words:
When you lose direction or veer slightly off course, it's often the words of others wiser than you that steer you back. Or sometimes you just need a soul-plunge. These are both. In case you've never heard of him, here are a few of his words:
“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”There are perspectives within these that should be engraved on my soul... thoughts that I want to turn over in my hands like jewels. Placing them here is a start.
“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”
“To achieve the impossible; it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought.”
“Our Similarities bring us to a common ground; Our Differences allow us to be fascinated by each other”
“There is no such thing as a weird human being, It's just that some people require more understanding than others”
“Religion is not merely the opium of the masses, it's the cyanide.”
We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.”
“There are many things worth living for, a few things worth dying for, and nothing worth killing for.”
“Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.”
“Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.”
“I believe in nothing, everything is sacred. I believe in everything, nothing is sacred.”
“The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating”
“Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef”
“The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplacable being.”
“Politics is for people who have a passion for changing life but lack a passion for living it”
“Who knows how to make love stay?
Tell love you are going to the Junior's Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if love stays, it can have half. It will stay.
Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a mustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay.
Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning.”
“When two people meet and fall in love, there's a sudden rush of magic. Magic is just naturally present then. We tend to feed on that gratuitous magic without striving to make any more. One day we wake up and find that the magic is gone. We hustle to get it back, but by then it's usually too late, we've used it up. What we have to do is work like hell at making additional magic right from the start. It's hard work, but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve our chances of making love stay.”
“When they tell you to grow up, they mean stop growing.”
“Equality is not in regarding different things similarly, equality is in regarding different things differently.”
“It is never too late to have a happy childhood”
“If little else, the brain is an educational toy.”
“When life demands more of people than they demand of life - as is ordinarily the case - what results is a resentment of life almost as deep-seated as the fear of death”
“Human folly does not impede the turning of the stars.”
“Should one be shallow enough to view existence as a system of rewards and punishments, one soon learns that we pay as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats ...”
“Philosophers have argued for centuries about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, but materialists have always known it depends on whether they are jitterbugging or dancing cheek to cheek”
“There's always the same amount of good luck and bad luck in the world. If one person doesn't get the bad luck, somebody else will have to get it in their place. There's always the same amount of good and evil, too. We can't eradicate evil, we can only evict it, force it to move across town. And when evil moves, some good always goes with it. But we can never alter the ratio of good to evil. All we can do is keep things stirred up so neither good nor evil solidifies. That's when things get scary. Life is like a stew, you have to stir it frequently, or all the scum rises to the top.”
“True stability results when presumed order and presumed disorder are balanced. A truly stable system expects the unexpected, is prepared to be disrupted, waits to be transformed.”
“In order to be respected, authority has got to be respectable.”
“To be or not to be isn't the question. The question is how to prolong being.”
“That's for God sure. People write memoirs because they lack the imagination to make things up.”
“Ideas are mallable and unstable; they not only can be misused, they invite misuse---and the better the idea the more volatile it is. That's because only the better ideas turn into dogma, and it is by this process whereby a fresh, stimulating, humanly helpful idea is changed into robot dogma that is deadly. The problem starts at the secondary level, not with the originator or developer of the idea, but with the people who are attracted to it, until the last nail breaks, and who invariably lack the overview, flexibility, imagination, and, most importantly, sense of humor to maintain it in the spirit in which it was hatched. Ideas are made by masters, dogmas by disciples, and the Buddha is always killed on the road.”
“If it is committed in the name of God or country, there is no crime so heinous that the public will not forgive it.”
The Road Ahead
This image perfectly portrays where I'm at right now (taken on the road home last weekend). The path I'm travelling has it's fair share of ups and downs at the moment, but is reasonably straight ahead. Travel it too fast, and you'll feel a bit seasick. Too slow, and some idiot in a honking big 4x4 with a GP registration number will wipe you out overtaking on a solid line. :-)
From this angle I can't tell where the road will end up. Will it turn left, right, or go straight ahead? There's a mountain in the distance - will I have to climb it or will my road take me around or past it?
The only thing I can do is keep going.
(Sex)Stats
A week or so back I linked to stats that indicate a man can drop years off his life, provided he's getting satisfying/great "action" around 277 times a year. As in up to 10 years off their age in terms of health! (Which leads me to wonder why some guys I know look so very young for their age... but we won't go there ;-) )
Another random browsing moment brought me to a new set of stats - that if a man doesn't have sex for 3 months, his testosterone levels revert to those of a child!
Hmmm.. the evidence is piling up in favour of getting busy often, and well. At least for men.
If anyone finds similar stats for women, pass them on? :-)
::update::
While we're on the subject...
Another random browsing moment brought me to a new set of stats - that if a man doesn't have sex for 3 months, his testosterone levels revert to those of a child!
Hmmm.. the evidence is piling up in favour of getting busy often, and well. At least for men.
If anyone finds similar stats for women, pass them on? :-)
::update::
While we're on the subject...
Boy to Man
I can't believe how my son has grown up in the past few months. His voice is deep, he's taller than me, his face has completely changed (and gotten the usual teen spots, which a dip in the sea somehow manages to clear up within hours). One of these days he'll have to start shaving.
And that's where we run into a bit of a roadblock. What do I know about shaving a face? Legs I can do, underarms etc - but a face?
This is the kind of thing that makes me think "Male Role Model". And not the kind that is a mere acquaintance, but one that can show him things, teach him about being a man, and how to shave! My brothers are good role models, but live far enough away that we don't see them often. Friends of the family are around too - but not close enough for confiding in and leaning on when it's needed.
So what to do? I dunno. Perhaps just play it by ear - the way I've done most of my parenting. I've ended up with a pretty unconventional relationship with the kid, more equals than up-there parent and down-there kid. I'm sure we can figure this one out!
And that's where we run into a bit of a roadblock. What do I know about shaving a face? Legs I can do, underarms etc - but a face?
This is the kind of thing that makes me think "Male Role Model". And not the kind that is a mere acquaintance, but one that can show him things, teach him about being a man, and how to shave! My brothers are good role models, but live far enough away that we don't see them often. Friends of the family are around too - but not close enough for confiding in and leaning on when it's needed.
So what to do? I dunno. Perhaps just play it by ear - the way I've done most of my parenting. I've ended up with a pretty unconventional relationship with the kid, more equals than up-there parent and down-there kid. I'm sure we can figure this one out!
Amadeus - the Final Installment
Saturday afternoon we made a quick trip to go check up on Amadeus, the baby Barn Owl. I'm really glad we did - he's being released this week! Back to the "wild", ie a nesting box with the older owl in a security village.
Here's a vid of him (I'm sure I took more than 10 seconds, but it didn't end up on the camera!)
While there, we saw a few other rescues - a Cape Eagle Owl (we have a pair near our house) and a Yellow-Billed Kite.
I'm really glad Amadeus has not only survived, but thrived! He seems to "recognize" the small sound I made to comfort him when in my care - leaning forward and blinking but not hissing. He looks so different to that 3-day old chick we handed over!
Here's to a brilliant future as he sweeps through the night sky on white wings. Eventually.
Here's a vid of him (I'm sure I took more than 10 seconds, but it didn't end up on the camera!)
While there, we saw a few other rescues - a Cape Eagle Owl (we have a pair near our house) and a Yellow-Billed Kite.
I'm really glad Amadeus has not only survived, but thrived! He seems to "recognize" the small sound I made to comfort him when in my care - leaning forward and blinking but not hissing. He looks so different to that 3-day old chick we handed over!
Here's to a brilliant future as he sweeps through the night sky on white wings. Eventually.
Re-do
I've taken some time offline to simply sit and think this weekend (multi-tasked by catching a tan at the same time, and am currently watching lightning pierce the sunset). Remember how settled, sure and in tune with my instincts I was? Hmm... now I'm not so sure! :-)
It appears that yes - you can dream big, and yes - the universe will conspire to make things happen, and yes - you can trust your gut feel. Heck, you even deserve more than you can ever imagine! But apparently that's not quite accurate - you can't have everything you dream about. Some dreams are simply way beyond what you're allowed.
Hitting restart on a few of them this week, to see if they'll reformat into something that is slightly lower on the food chain and actually achieveable, though not half has marvellous.
Or should I simply ignore the urge to settle for less, and throw everything I have into them?
Safe route, or wild and dangerous route? The former will keep me comfortable - the latter will blow my mind. But can I dare...
It appears that yes - you can dream big, and yes - the universe will conspire to make things happen, and yes - you can trust your gut feel. Heck, you even deserve more than you can ever imagine! But apparently that's not quite accurate - you can't have everything you dream about. Some dreams are simply way beyond what you're allowed.
Hitting restart on a few of them this week, to see if they'll reformat into something that is slightly lower on the food chain and actually achieveable, though not half has marvellous.
Or should I simply ignore the urge to settle for less, and throw everything I have into them?
Safe route, or wild and dangerous route? The former will keep me comfortable - the latter will blow my mind. But can I dare...
Word-Fast / Shabbat Shalom
Ever get the feeling you should really not say as much as you do (especially not the first thing that pops into your head) - and that you're actually a complete idiot? No? Ah well - guess I'm alone then. :-) Considering a word-fast for next week, pictures only.
Talking of which, here's this week's Shabbat Shalom image to ponder:
Talking of which, here's this week's Shabbat Shalom image to ponder:
Written in the Stars?
I'm not one to go on about star signs and such, but a random link led me to this. I'm such a typical Saggitarian in many ways! :-)
Truth is though - I prefer the stars I can see outside to the ones that apparently rule your destiny. I think I need to do a bit of star-gazing this weekend. And perhaps get around to identifying more than Orion, the Seven Sisters and the Southern Cross.
Truth is though - I prefer the stars I can see outside to the ones that apparently rule your destiny. I think I need to do a bit of star-gazing this weekend. And perhaps get around to identifying more than Orion, the Seven Sisters and the Southern Cross.
Welcome to my world
Here's why I like where my laptop is situated at home - right outside the window is a birdbath (courtesy the neighbours), and at certain times of the day there's a queue for bathing and drinking. Yesterday it was the olive thrush, followed directly by a dove. Also outside the window is a pretty wild bushy area (left alone on purpose), which often attracts the sunbirds, karoo larks, weavers, star(t)lings etc. If I move just a little to the right, I get a view of the path where the rest of the fowl-life congregates for food. From where I sit the birds don't see me - I'm behind glass and the reflection hides my outline. It's the perfect spot to watch them up close.
Which is why I'm usually to be found online! :-)
::update::
I didn't mention that from my laptop I can also watch the sun set over False Bay, did I? :-)
Which is why I'm usually to be found online! :-)
::update::
I didn't mention that from my laptop I can also watch the sun set over False Bay, did I? :-)
Friday
Friday morning - and I was awake just as it started to get light. Well, half-awake. Knowing it was still early I had the pleasure of lying in bed with my eyes closed and luxuriating in the feeling of Friday. No more alarm clock (for the next 2 days), no more rushing to get to work or get the kid up (and make sure he has a packed snack, baths, dresses, eats, brushes his teeth and runs down the hill before the bell tolls).
It's like waking up on the last day of school before holidays, when you know you have a mere few hours left until Freedom! Except that I get this every single week.
Yup, I definitely like Fridays. Even if they usually mean a very rushed and busy morning at work. Why only morning? Because - and this is another really big plus - my workplace shuts down completely at 1:00 every Friday afternoon for the weekend! :-) Lucky, aren't we?
That said though, let me get through the pile of things on the desk so I can spend the last bit of the morning winding down, not up. And then on to a gloriously nearly-blank weekend.
It's like waking up on the last day of school before holidays, when you know you have a mere few hours left until Freedom! Except that I get this every single week.
Yup, I definitely like Fridays. Even if they usually mean a very rushed and busy morning at work. Why only morning? Because - and this is another really big plus - my workplace shuts down completely at 1:00 every Friday afternoon for the weekend! :-) Lucky, aren't we?
That said though, let me get through the pile of things on the desk so I can spend the last bit of the morning winding down, not up. And then on to a gloriously nearly-blank weekend.
Feeds
OK, done the FireFox thing - RSS is next. What's the best one to use? Contrary to popular belief (ie Marc says so), I'm not that fond of Bloglines. I'm looking for a one-click option without a lot of hassle. FFox seems to use LiveFeeds, is that any good?
Have your say - change the way I view the net! :-)
Have your say - change the way I view the net! :-)
Track for the day
You know you may not be in for a normal day when the thing playing on repeat in your head is Abba's "Does your mother know" (get it while you can - won't be there forever). Especially if it's linked to a scene in the Johnny English movie... :-)
But it does help to stick it on the speakers and blast forth. If I'm lucky, it may even override the "Afrikaanse Treffers" from my colleague next door.
But it does help to stick it on the speakers and blast forth. If I'm lucky, it may even override the "Afrikaanse Treffers" from my colleague next door.
Magic
Some quotes to start off the day, courtesy my DailyGuru:
::update::
And just for Tripeak, here's one from Tom Robbins (thanks T!):
"... for magic to happen in your life, you must believe in magic."
-- Grandmother, quoted by Lynn Andrews
"Most of the time, we fall in love but can’t remain there. The world then calls the state we were in a delusion or infatuation ... But we merely lacked, or someone else lacked, the emotional skills to hold on to the magic when the morning came. ... In truth, we can go to the moon and retain its magic for a lifetime."
-- Marianne Williamson
"We think, sometimes, there’s not a dragon left. Not one brave knight, not a single princess gliding through secret forests ... What a pleasure to be wrong. Princesses, knights, enchantments and dragons, mystery and adventure ... not only are they here-and-now, they’re all that ever lived on earth! Masters of reality still meet us in dreams to tell us that we’ve never lost the shield we need against dragons, that blue-fire voltage arcs through us now to change our world as we wish. Intuition whispers true: We’re not dust, we’re magic!"
-- Richard Bach
::update::
And just for Tripeak, here's one from Tom Robbins (thanks T!):
“When two people meet and fall in love, there's a sudden rush of magic. Magic is just naturally present then. We tend to feed on that gratuitous magic without striving to make any more. One day we wake up and find that the magic is gone. We hustle to get it back, but by then it's usually too late, we've used it up. What we have to do is work like hell at making additional magic right from the start. It's hard work, but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve our chances of making love stay."
Passion
Somehow my passion seems to have gotten away from me this week, leaching out and draining into the ground. Probably that lack of sleep thing. I truly hate facing the day without it though.
But been thinking (eish - I do way too much of that!) about passion. And I've realized how often it gets suppressed.
Perhaps society or environment dictates a sameness, a meekness, a mildness - you're forced to swallow the things that set you on fire, to keep the voice low and the temper on an even keel. Not laugh too loud or too long... Yeah, I've had that to deal with. After a while you start to wonder if you've ever known passion, or can ever rekindle it.
Same thing with physical passion. Society often dictates restraint there too, keeping things under control, not letting yourself get out of hand, keeping expressions of your passion to acceptable, not-too-provocative levels. Yeah, been there too.
Then there's passions for hobbies, or foods, or activities. Those are generally seen as OK, provided you don't go overboard. If you do, you're labelled "nutcase" and relegated to a musty corner along with the cat lady down the street.
And yet passion is hard to kill. I can't talk for the general public - but there's always been at least a small flame burning somewhere inside me. Because the world sees me in a certain way and expects me to conform, it isn't let out that often. When it does appear, I've found varying reactions - from fear, judgement, surprise to amazement that I have it in me.
I've been wondering what would happen if I let my passions out to play more often. I think I'd drive some folk away - and maybe attract others. There's no telling how people perceive things and react, so I don't really know.
I think I'm going to anyway though. Life's too short not to live passionately, with all you have, head-first-dived-in and embraced.
But been thinking (eish - I do way too much of that!) about passion. And I've realized how often it gets suppressed.
Perhaps society or environment dictates a sameness, a meekness, a mildness - you're forced to swallow the things that set you on fire, to keep the voice low and the temper on an even keel. Not laugh too loud or too long... Yeah, I've had that to deal with. After a while you start to wonder if you've ever known passion, or can ever rekindle it.
Same thing with physical passion. Society often dictates restraint there too, keeping things under control, not letting yourself get out of hand, keeping expressions of your passion to acceptable, not-too-provocative levels. Yeah, been there too.
Then there's passions for hobbies, or foods, or activities. Those are generally seen as OK, provided you don't go overboard. If you do, you're labelled "nutcase" and relegated to a musty corner along with the cat lady down the street.
And yet passion is hard to kill. I can't talk for the general public - but there's always been at least a small flame burning somewhere inside me. Because the world sees me in a certain way and expects me to conform, it isn't let out that often. When it does appear, I've found varying reactions - from fear, judgement, surprise to amazement that I have it in me.
I've been wondering what would happen if I let my passions out to play more often. I think I'd drive some folk away - and maybe attract others. There's no telling how people perceive things and react, so I don't really know.
I think I'm going to anyway though. Life's too short not to live passionately, with all you have, head-first-dived-in and embraced.
Motive
For the past 3 weeks I've been walking every day after work, about an hour - 6km or so, it varies. Hit the furthest yet today after leaving work a few minutes early and trying to find a new road through. But why do I do it?
Contrary to popular belief, I don't walk to prove anything. Although I did kinda state I was going to race someone up a mountain soon... :-) But nope - not walking to prove I can.
I walk because I'd rather embrace the Camino than struggle through it next year. I want to free up my mind rather than allowing my body to over-ride it in some sort of agony.
I walk because it's one of the few times I get peace, quiet and no distractions (other than passing hunks in 4x4s). It's a time to think, and mentally relax, unwind after the working day and settle the thoughts a bit. Once or twice it's been more unsettling though, as I've let my thinking processes get away with me.
I walk to clear my head - sometimes I find my mind going places it really shouldn't, where I can't afford to go if I want to keep my sanity or not end up on the wrong side of reality. So I set off at a pace to drain that stuff away. Sometimes it even works.
I walk because I sit all day, and I'm tired of it. I'm fed up with spending my life on my butt, so I get up and walk when I no longer have to sit.
I walk because I need to - I no longer want to feel half-well, almost-healthy. I want to relish in being in top form, but it's going to take a while. I have a lot of damage to undo from years of settling for less than I could be.
I walk because I enjoy it - the rhythm, the pace, the movement, the path I take through my neighbourhood and past houses, dogs and Landies I haven't seen before. I enjoy watching how things change - who's home with their old Toyota, which dog is back at the fence, where the guineafowl are pecking today, how roadside mushrooms come and go.
I walk because it's the best exercise for my body type. I'm not built to run, nor am I dedicated enough to dive into icy pools in the middle of winter. My strength is in my legs - but that's also the first place I pick up lack of exercise issues.
I walk because in less than a month I'll be half-way-to-70, and I've determined that my 35th year is going to be a year of magnificence. I'm going to feel, look, do and be better than I ever have. But it doesn't happen all at once. It starts with this first step (and many inner ones that have already been taken) - and will go from there.
That's why I walk.
Contrary to popular belief, I don't walk to prove anything. Although I did kinda state I was going to race someone up a mountain soon... :-) But nope - not walking to prove I can.
I walk because I'd rather embrace the Camino than struggle through it next year. I want to free up my mind rather than allowing my body to over-ride it in some sort of agony.
I walk because it's one of the few times I get peace, quiet and no distractions (other than passing hunks in 4x4s). It's a time to think, and mentally relax, unwind after the working day and settle the thoughts a bit. Once or twice it's been more unsettling though, as I've let my thinking processes get away with me.
I walk to clear my head - sometimes I find my mind going places it really shouldn't, where I can't afford to go if I want to keep my sanity or not end up on the wrong side of reality. So I set off at a pace to drain that stuff away. Sometimes it even works.
I walk because I sit all day, and I'm tired of it. I'm fed up with spending my life on my butt, so I get up and walk when I no longer have to sit.
I walk because I need to - I no longer want to feel half-well, almost-healthy. I want to relish in being in top form, but it's going to take a while. I have a lot of damage to undo from years of settling for less than I could be.
I walk because I enjoy it - the rhythm, the pace, the movement, the path I take through my neighbourhood and past houses, dogs and Landies I haven't seen before. I enjoy watching how things change - who's home with their old Toyota, which dog is back at the fence, where the guineafowl are pecking today, how roadside mushrooms come and go.
I walk because it's the best exercise for my body type. I'm not built to run, nor am I dedicated enough to dive into icy pools in the middle of winter. My strength is in my legs - but that's also the first place I pick up lack of exercise issues.
I walk because in less than a month I'll be half-way-to-70, and I've determined that my 35th year is going to be a year of magnificence. I'm going to feel, look, do and be better than I ever have. But it doesn't happen all at once. It starts with this first step (and many inner ones that have already been taken) - and will go from there.
That's why I walk.
On needing a man
Just found this article that explains the entire thing. Scientifically :-)
Feel free to throw in a comment or two - pro or con. Think it's built in to our DNA? Or a matter of choice?
Feel free to throw in a comment or two - pro or con. Think it's built in to our DNA? Or a matter of choice?
About Jolly Time
I was persuaded with a heavy hand by a passionate user this morning to finally drag my butt into the current century - and install FireFox! :-) Yeah I know, I'm a bit late to the party. Herewith the first blog post from that particular system though, and I think it's growing on me. (Before you ask, I did try IE7, and wasn't overly excited by it)
Right up I noticed some funny code in the right-hand bar on this page (now removed) and that my blogroll text is considerably smaller in FF than IE. I'm trawling a few other regular sites to check what else is different too. And then I need to make sure the site I'm in charge of actually shows up well in this one. I haven't had much time to do cross-browser testing, but am working toward some extremely validated stuff for the next big upgrade. Pure, simple code - no clutter - all that. I forsee much work in my future!
And now the confession - I have STILL not gotten around to using RSS! I can hear that collective gasp out there, but it's true. I keep meaning to, but in the meantime have been physically clicking through links to check updates and such.
So perhaps today will turn into upgrade-the-technology day. A chance to finally get with it and learn a bit more, to streamline my online existence and sort out how I work with all that stuff.
First though - let me clear this desk of my usual tasks...
Right up I noticed some funny code in the right-hand bar on this page (now removed) and that my blogroll text is considerably smaller in FF than IE. I'm trawling a few other regular sites to check what else is different too. And then I need to make sure the site I'm in charge of actually shows up well in this one. I haven't had much time to do cross-browser testing, but am working toward some extremely validated stuff for the next big upgrade. Pure, simple code - no clutter - all that. I forsee much work in my future!
And now the confession - I have STILL not gotten around to using RSS! I can hear that collective gasp out there, but it's true. I keep meaning to, but in the meantime have been physically clicking through links to check updates and such.
So perhaps today will turn into upgrade-the-technology day. A chance to finally get with it and learn a bit more, to streamline my online existence and sort out how I work with all that stuff.
First though - let me clear this desk of my usual tasks...
Things I could do with today
* A pamper session: full body massage, salt scrub, bit of drifting in a floatation tank...
* Two hours more sleep
* A change of scene, or a change of routine
* A good vry ;-)
* Some blank time for quiet on my own
* A fireplace and a wall of good books
* A holiday
* A road-trip (in a car I know won't collapse half-way)
* Something to blog about :-)
* Two hours more sleep
* A change of scene, or a change of routine
* A good vry ;-)
* Some blank time for quiet on my own
* A fireplace and a wall of good books
* A holiday
* A road-trip (in a car I know won't collapse half-way)
* Something to blog about :-)
Insomnia & Trust
Perhaps I shouldn't be blogging at this hour - a time when I'm usually at least in bed, perhaps asleep - but I'm up, and I'm blogging. I haven't had much rest this week, sleeping at night for an hour or so solidly, then tossing and turning for the remainder, up around 5 to wander the garden. Yes, it's been warm at night which makes for restlessness, but more than the physical environment, my mind's been going in overdrive again.
I really wish I could just switch it off sometimes. Just stop thinking and second-guessing my gut feel on things. Simply learn to Trust - in what I feel, in what I know, in my worthiness and abilities to achieve things I dream of. And trust in the people who surround me too.
It's been a rocky road at times - I had my trust broken so many times in the past, and it's hard to bring myself to let go without fear. Yet I know much of the time I'm just being silly - I'm frightened of shadows without substance, trying too hard to keep myself safe. From people, from big steps to prospectively amazing future opportunities, from myself - the one who dares to dream.
Instead of letting the mind whirl tonight, I'm blogging it out. Cleansing the system of doubt and circling thoughts (though much simply cannot be said here), and hopefully tiring me out enough to rest completely and fully tonight. Of course it would be helpful to not only have a big fat crystal ball, but also an instruction manual as to what next. A scarless heart would help too, one that doesn't cower half as much.
The thing is I'm facing some big choices. If it were only me affected, they would be easy. But any path I choose ripples through the lives of others. Already I've faced stiff opposition in one area, had extreme caution urged in another. I don't know how far my rights extend to creating those waves, whether I should simply follow my gut feel and ignore the naysaying, or whether there's some value in their opinion I should be considering.
And that's where trusting myself comes in. Being willing to follow my heart without fear, doing what I know to be needed, wanted, desired, necessary - without being scared off by something applying mental brakes. I'm struggling with it.
And herein too lies the cause of my insomnia, probably. This going around in circles trying to figure out just what the heck I need to do.
But you know what my gut feel says most of all? That I need to take a big step back, a bigger breath and stop over-analzying everything. That it will come right in the end, the way it's supposed to happen, and my task is simply to keep moving forward with my eyes on the goal/s.
And that's the thought I'm going to take to bed with me, right now. I really hope it works - I can't afford another tired-out headachey day.
::update::
Waddaya know - it actually worked. I got a pretty good night's rest, though I haven't caught up on sleep yet.
I really wish I could just switch it off sometimes. Just stop thinking and second-guessing my gut feel on things. Simply learn to Trust - in what I feel, in what I know, in my worthiness and abilities to achieve things I dream of. And trust in the people who surround me too.
It's been a rocky road at times - I had my trust broken so many times in the past, and it's hard to bring myself to let go without fear. Yet I know much of the time I'm just being silly - I'm frightened of shadows without substance, trying too hard to keep myself safe. From people, from big steps to prospectively amazing future opportunities, from myself - the one who dares to dream.
Instead of letting the mind whirl tonight, I'm blogging it out. Cleansing the system of doubt and circling thoughts (though much simply cannot be said here), and hopefully tiring me out enough to rest completely and fully tonight. Of course it would be helpful to not only have a big fat crystal ball, but also an instruction manual as to what next. A scarless heart would help too, one that doesn't cower half as much.
The thing is I'm facing some big choices. If it were only me affected, they would be easy. But any path I choose ripples through the lives of others. Already I've faced stiff opposition in one area, had extreme caution urged in another. I don't know how far my rights extend to creating those waves, whether I should simply follow my gut feel and ignore the naysaying, or whether there's some value in their opinion I should be considering.
And that's where trusting myself comes in. Being willing to follow my heart without fear, doing what I know to be needed, wanted, desired, necessary - without being scared off by something applying mental brakes. I'm struggling with it.
And herein too lies the cause of my insomnia, probably. This going around in circles trying to figure out just what the heck I need to do.
But you know what my gut feel says most of all? That I need to take a big step back, a bigger breath and stop over-analzying everything. That it will come right in the end, the way it's supposed to happen, and my task is simply to keep moving forward with my eyes on the goal/s.
And that's the thought I'm going to take to bed with me, right now. I really hope it works - I can't afford another tired-out headachey day.
::update::
Waddaya know - it actually worked. I got a pretty good night's rest, though I haven't caught up on sleep yet.
Fickle Viewers
OK, this is very very strange. This morning I posted a 10-second clip of my dogs playing on the bed to YouTube (just for the heck of it). It has currently been viewed 253 times, and stands at 60th most-viewed pets/animals clip on the system! (update - make that number 11, with just over 1,000 views!)
Why?
I have NO idea! :-) Unless perhaps it's that my dogs are a very unusual colour for schipperkes - instead of the usual black, one is gold and one is cream. Illegal colours to show in many of the main schip countries, so probably something a few folk haven't seen before.
Nevertheless, it's weird that such an innocuous clip could have had that many views!
Just goes to prove the average YouTube viewer is a fickle beast indeed.
Why?
I have NO idea! :-) Unless perhaps it's that my dogs are a very unusual colour for schipperkes - instead of the usual black, one is gold and one is cream. Illegal colours to show in many of the main schip countries, so probably something a few folk haven't seen before.
Nevertheless, it's weird that such an innocuous clip could have had that many views!
Just goes to prove the average YouTube viewer is a fickle beast indeed.
More Oak than Willow
I'm pretty realistic (most days - some I'm on another planet) - and one thing I've come to accept is that I'll never have a willowy figure. I'm quite solidly built, with heavy bones, "stewig" as they say in Afrikaans - and tend to build muscle quickly to replace any wobbly bits on their way out.
I'd probably take longer to decompose than most too! Sjoe... :-)
Nevertheless, in a mere 3 weeks of regular walking, I've seen a difference in build. My hourglass is becoming more hour and less (drinking)glass. The calves are stringing out again, with muscle building all over the place. I'm down to only one pair of work pants that doesn't drop off the hips. And that's just from walking!
Yesterday I seriously pushed it further than I thought I should or could. I took off at a pace somewhere between walking and running, and kept it up the entire way - right back up the steep hill I'm required to end on to get home. Yet I managed, and felt like I'd put in quite the effort. Even enjoyed it. Gonna do it again today.
This is just the beginning though, I've only just started. I have a set goal in mind and I aim to reach it.
Willowy I may never be - but it won't be long before I'll go skinnydipping without fear... ;-)
I'd probably take longer to decompose than most too! Sjoe... :-)
Nevertheless, in a mere 3 weeks of regular walking, I've seen a difference in build. My hourglass is becoming more hour and less (drinking)glass. The calves are stringing out again, with muscle building all over the place. I'm down to only one pair of work pants that doesn't drop off the hips. And that's just from walking!
Yesterday I seriously pushed it further than I thought I should or could. I took off at a pace somewhere between walking and running, and kept it up the entire way - right back up the steep hill I'm required to end on to get home. Yet I managed, and felt like I'd put in quite the effort. Even enjoyed it. Gonna do it again today.
This is just the beginning though, I've only just started. I have a set goal in mind and I aim to reach it.
Willowy I may never be - but it won't be long before I'll go skinnydipping without fear... ;-)
Milestone
Congratulations to blog visitor number 77,777 - all the way from Haifa, Israel!!! Who arrived at this particular place in cyberspace via a google search, as so many of my blog hits do.. :-) Unfortunately you only win the rights to peruse the entire archives.
Who would have thought it. 3 years of blogging and that many readers, quite a few of you repeat-offenders. For which I am most grateful.
Who would have thought it. 3 years of blogging and that many readers, quite a few of you repeat-offenders. For which I am most grateful.
Embracing Hate
It's strange how rethinking one aspect of your life will lead to a double-take on other aspects too. With a rediscovery of peace and contentment from which to operate, I've been examining my perceptions and language. Does what I feel tie up with how I speak and see the world?
My focus fell recently on the word "hate". One we bandy around quite willingly, but which is a pretty strong expression of emotion if you think about it. Yet I can't find a place for hate in my life anymore. So instead of using that particular word to express dislike or similar, I'm trying to dig down to the root of what I feel and find another way to say it.
I've often stated "I hate the south-easter wind!", but I've realized that hating something such as the wind is a complete waste of emotional energy... :-) I certainly dislike being battered around and having the garden blown to bits - but I live in the Cape, what do I expect? It's just wind - and it does blow the pollution to all hell and gone. Also nice and cooling on those after-work walks. See, my attitude has changed already! :-)
I'm working on the hate-word in other areas too. I don't hate anyone, but there are things I can't or don't agree with, and some folk I find it hard to get along with. I've come to see it more as a difference in outlook, personality and choices than something to be despised and loathed. And, as I've often said - each to his own path, so will let others simply walk the road they see fit and not run after them to walk mine.
I could say I hate my job - but that's also not true. I like many aspects of it, the salary comes in handy, and the minor irritations are just that - mere grains of sand in the shoe and not a lopped-off limb. There are even parts of my job that I love, which may be why I'm here so early these days, or it could just be I have a lot to accomplish. The fact is I've learnt a lot working here, had chances to grow and become more than what I was a few years ago. So no, I don't hate my job.
It's interesting how changing just a single word in your vocab, going deeper to find what's behind it and assigning a more apropriate term - how that can change an entire outlook. And how much better your perspective becomes.
My focus fell recently on the word "hate". One we bandy around quite willingly, but which is a pretty strong expression of emotion if you think about it. Yet I can't find a place for hate in my life anymore. So instead of using that particular word to express dislike or similar, I'm trying to dig down to the root of what I feel and find another way to say it.
I've often stated "I hate the south-easter wind!", but I've realized that hating something such as the wind is a complete waste of emotional energy... :-) I certainly dislike being battered around and having the garden blown to bits - but I live in the Cape, what do I expect? It's just wind - and it does blow the pollution to all hell and gone. Also nice and cooling on those after-work walks. See, my attitude has changed already! :-)
I'm working on the hate-word in other areas too. I don't hate anyone, but there are things I can't or don't agree with, and some folk I find it hard to get along with. I've come to see it more as a difference in outlook, personality and choices than something to be despised and loathed. And, as I've often said - each to his own path, so will let others simply walk the road they see fit and not run after them to walk mine.
I could say I hate my job - but that's also not true. I like many aspects of it, the salary comes in handy, and the minor irritations are just that - mere grains of sand in the shoe and not a lopped-off limb. There are even parts of my job that I love, which may be why I'm here so early these days, or it could just be I have a lot to accomplish. The fact is I've learnt a lot working here, had chances to grow and become more than what I was a few years ago. So no, I don't hate my job.
It's interesting how changing just a single word in your vocab, going deeper to find what's behind it and assigning a more apropriate term - how that can change an entire outlook. And how much better your perspective becomes.
Not that into you
The thing about holiday houses is that they tend to collect interesting stuff - particularly reading matter. The cupboard in the room we stayed in this weekend was packed with a variety of books - everything under the sun, and most of them anciently dusty. By contrast, the shelves everywhere else were empty... weird!
But on one of the bookshelves was a much more recent book, the famous "He's Just Not That Into You". I've heard the hype, but never read it - so it was with curiosity I picked it up for a brief browse before breakfast. And a whole lot of it makes sense, in a strange way. Where women will analyse and pick apart everything, to men it may be clear as day and simple - while many women simply hang on, hoping for change, their men may just be there because they don't know how to leave (or are too lazy to). Etc, etc... Long list of interesting situations given, and I can see my own past reflected in a good few of them.
Back home I got on the net and found out what some folk had said about the book - good and bad - and that there was a later one published too, "Face it - you're not that into him either". OK... seems it's a problem on both sides of the gender divide, this clinging on to things that aren't actually there.
But no-one seems to have written a "He's really into you" or a "You're really into him". :-) Perhaps because there's no set book of guidelines for that one? Or is it just that it hardly ever happens? The pessimist in me says the latter - the optimist says "you know it when you see it, and you certainly don't need a handbook".
With all the self-help books out there though, such a thing appears to be a pretty rare occurance. If one goes by shelves and sales' worth, seems hardly anyone's into anyone, and a good percentage of the population doesn't know how to handle it. Or much else in life, for that matter.
But I'm (again) a firm believe in gut feel. If something's right or something's wrong, there will always be a small voice somewhere in the head telling you so, provided you choose to listen and not smother it.
Perhaps I should write a book about that.
But on one of the bookshelves was a much more recent book, the famous "He's Just Not That Into You". I've heard the hype, but never read it - so it was with curiosity I picked it up for a brief browse before breakfast. And a whole lot of it makes sense, in a strange way. Where women will analyse and pick apart everything, to men it may be clear as day and simple - while many women simply hang on, hoping for change, their men may just be there because they don't know how to leave (or are too lazy to). Etc, etc... Long list of interesting situations given, and I can see my own past reflected in a good few of them.
Back home I got on the net and found out what some folk had said about the book - good and bad - and that there was a later one published too, "Face it - you're not that into him either". OK... seems it's a problem on both sides of the gender divide, this clinging on to things that aren't actually there.
But no-one seems to have written a "He's really into you" or a "You're really into him". :-) Perhaps because there's no set book of guidelines for that one? Or is it just that it hardly ever happens? The pessimist in me says the latter - the optimist says "you know it when you see it, and you certainly don't need a handbook".
With all the self-help books out there though, such a thing appears to be a pretty rare occurance. If one goes by shelves and sales' worth, seems hardly anyone's into anyone, and a good percentage of the population doesn't know how to handle it. Or much else in life, for that matter.
But I'm (again) a firm believe in gut feel. If something's right or something's wrong, there will always be a small voice somewhere in the head telling you so, provided you choose to listen and not smother it.
Perhaps I should write a book about that.
Each to his own
A mantra that has made a huge difference in my life in recent years is the quote "Follow your path - and let people talk". I'm not even sure where it comes from, it was one of those things discovered online that just stuck - literally, cos I printed it out and put it on my wall at work.
Once I'd let it sink in, I realized just how freeing it is not to spend your life constantly worried about what people are saying or thinking about you, whether to your face or behind your back. I had previously spent so much emotional energy and time on trying to keep everyone happy that I had little left to devote to the things that really mattered to me. Bending over backwards so people will like you can get you tied into knots!
There is, of course, a need to be considerate of others - to live as a decent human being, not creating strife or trouble in other's lives. But beyond that, it's simply silly to let other people determine the path that you should walk in life. Which is where being a bit unconventional also kicks in. If you're worried about stepping outside of bounds, you'll never push the comfort zone limits, find amazing new ground or learn to fly.
I live in an environment where it's easy to be muddled up with everyone's lives - easy to gossip or nitpick or live in each other's pockets. But I've learnt to take a mental step back, and realized that I don't really have to live up to anyone's expectations than my own. Very freeing stuff! :-) At the same time, I'm making sure I "do unto others", and completely leave off meddling in anyone else's lives or judging how they live too. It's only right to give them the same treatment I expect for myself.
This weekend I ran into a situation where someone wanted me to know what had been said "behind my back". In the past it would have bugged me no end, I would have wanted to know what everyone's thought processes were, and tried to keep everyone happy even if it was at my own expense. But this time - not! I was able to let it go without it settling in my head and bugging me. I've realized I can't control what others think about me - I can only control what I do.
And in the end - isn't that really all that matters?
Once I'd let it sink in, I realized just how freeing it is not to spend your life constantly worried about what people are saying or thinking about you, whether to your face or behind your back. I had previously spent so much emotional energy and time on trying to keep everyone happy that I had little left to devote to the things that really mattered to me. Bending over backwards so people will like you can get you tied into knots!
There is, of course, a need to be considerate of others - to live as a decent human being, not creating strife or trouble in other's lives. But beyond that, it's simply silly to let other people determine the path that you should walk in life. Which is where being a bit unconventional also kicks in. If you're worried about stepping outside of bounds, you'll never push the comfort zone limits, find amazing new ground or learn to fly.
I live in an environment where it's easy to be muddled up with everyone's lives - easy to gossip or nitpick or live in each other's pockets. But I've learnt to take a mental step back, and realized that I don't really have to live up to anyone's expectations than my own. Very freeing stuff! :-) At the same time, I'm making sure I "do unto others", and completely leave off meddling in anyone else's lives or judging how they live too. It's only right to give them the same treatment I expect for myself.
This weekend I ran into a situation where someone wanted me to know what had been said "behind my back". In the past it would have bugged me no end, I would have wanted to know what everyone's thought processes were, and tried to keep everyone happy even if it was at my own expense. But this time - not! I was able to let it go without it settling in my head and bugging me. I've realized I can't control what others think about me - I can only control what I do.
And in the end - isn't that really all that matters?
South Africa gets it on faster
Cherryflava pointed me in the direction of a new innovation, South African style. Pronto Condoms! Go check out their site, and you'll see why they're a "new and improved" product. If you're familiar with South African government and politics, you'll appreciate the online ads too.Now why, you ask, am I looking at such things - given my track record? :-) Well, cos they're cool, they're brilliant, and I'm fascinated by ways to make things easier. In fact, I'm passionate about making life easier - especially for me. (Not that a new kind of condom is going to make life easier for me, necessarily, but you know what I mean). I've always enjoyed finding ways of working smarter, easier, more streamlined - and Pronto's got all that going for a condom.
I thought at first they were a mere idea, but then I saw them for sale on Friday - and just had to get me a box to look at. Yeah, I know - I'm weird. But you should know that by now. So I did indeed get a box of the things, but now am hesitant to open them - not because of the nature of the product, but because they're about 7 bucks a pop! :-) However, they do expire in 2009, so there's still time to test them - either on an appropriate vegetable or something else... ;-)
(you may wonder what a box of condoms is doing on top of my laptop - ever heard of safe surfing??? hehe..)
Whale of a Time
We got back earlier today from a bit of time away - an all too brief overnight in De Kelders, near the whale-watching capital of the world, Hermanus. And, because whales know no boundaries, we were privileged to watch them cavorting and feeding just about on our doorstep!
Unfortunately, they were too fast for my camera's auto-focus many times, and I resorted simply to watching them do their thing. I'm amazed at the size of some of them, and the apparent joy they seem to have in hanging out where their food lives. There's the lazily-raised flipper, the slow turn-over, the breach and splash. As gigantic as they are, they're graceful and beautiful.
We weren't alone in the little holiday house (GE co-ords 34.560162° 19.356015°) - both my brothers and their families were there too, a rare chance for all of us to spend a lot of time together and catch up. Yes, I did have to please-explain as I blogged last week - but did more explaining about our schooling plans for the kid for next year than where I'm at in any other respects! And the explaining I did was just as hard as I'd aniticpated - still not sure I made much sense.
But we did hang out. We spent hours at a secluded and deserted cove (GE co-ords -34.564891° 19.354123°), the kids going nuts in the water, my brother's big dogs assuming they were fish and joining in the water fun - and one large watermelon, placed in the sea to cool down, slowly heading out on the tide... :-) Fortunately we retrieved it - the best summer food there is, and perfect for a warm afternoon in the sun. We spent a long and delicious meal around a table too - usually an annual occurance on Christmas eve, but good to do. Delicious food, great company, hilarious conversation - we had a super time. Add in a brilliant sunset, and it was basically perfect.
On the way back this morning we stopped off at a few more whale-viewing points. One very big guy was mere metres from the rocks, slowly swallowing his lunch as us curious types gathered with cameras and binoculars, from all corners of the globe (judging by the languages I heard spoken around me). The drive home yet again took us past mountains dripping waterfalls, along a lagoon or two, past the sea and over the pass to home.
We need to do this more often! It was a total soul-drench.
Unfortunately, they were too fast for my camera's auto-focus many times, and I resorted simply to watching them do their thing. I'm amazed at the size of some of them, and the apparent joy they seem to have in hanging out where their food lives. There's the lazily-raised flipper, the slow turn-over, the breach and splash. As gigantic as they are, they're graceful and beautiful.
We weren't alone in the little holiday house (GE co-ords 34.560162° 19.356015°) - both my brothers and their families were there too, a rare chance for all of us to spend a lot of time together and catch up. Yes, I did have to please-explain as I blogged last week - but did more explaining about our schooling plans for the kid for next year than where I'm at in any other respects! And the explaining I did was just as hard as I'd aniticpated - still not sure I made much sense.
But we did hang out. We spent hours at a secluded and deserted cove (GE co-ords -34.564891° 19.354123°), the kids going nuts in the water, my brother's big dogs assuming they were fish and joining in the water fun - and one large watermelon, placed in the sea to cool down, slowly heading out on the tide... :-) Fortunately we retrieved it - the best summer food there is, and perfect for a warm afternoon in the sun. We spent a long and delicious meal around a table too - usually an annual occurance on Christmas eve, but good to do. Delicious food, great company, hilarious conversation - we had a super time. Add in a brilliant sunset, and it was basically perfect.
On the way back this morning we stopped off at a few more whale-viewing points. One very big guy was mere metres from the rocks, slowly swallowing his lunch as us curious types gathered with cameras and binoculars, from all corners of the globe (judging by the languages I heard spoken around me). The drive home yet again took us past mountains dripping waterfalls, along a lagoon or two, past the sea and over the pass to home.
We need to do this more often! It was a total soul-drench.
Trueself
"Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a fake messiah."
- Richard Bach
This quote has got me thinking very hard today. There are areas of my life where I'm not being true to who I know myself to be. I've done it because it's easy - because I don't have to work hard to change, and the mask I wear is well-known, easy to maintain. But I'm doing this at the expense of who I am. Inside I often seethe with resentment, pounding on prison bars I've created with my own hands!
Do I have the strength to live what I know? Do I have the courage? I think I do... In small ways I've already started. The only road left is the big steps.
- Richard Bach
This quote has got me thinking very hard today. There are areas of my life where I'm not being true to who I know myself to be. I've done it because it's easy - because I don't have to work hard to change, and the mask I wear is well-known, easy to maintain. But I'm doing this at the expense of who I am. Inside I often seethe with resentment, pounding on prison bars I've created with my own hands!
Do I have the strength to live what I know? Do I have the courage? I think I do... In small ways I've already started. The only road left is the big steps.
Fear/Fate
My finger was hovering over the "publish" button on a post I wasn't sure should go live last night, when the DailyOM arrived. Yet again, it spoke directly to where I was, urging me to accept the flow of where I'm going - and not fight against it.
That post that nearly got published was indeed a fight against fate, if you will. A delving into insecurities and doubt, trying to find a way to make things happen instead of simply letting them happen. A muddling circle-the-drain look at inner conflicts I wasn't sure I knew how to handle, and which I was trying to sort out all on my own, without taking into account the broader sweep of where my life is headed. A struggle that left me in tears and confusion, locked too far inside my head in a tangle of thoughts. I'm not even sure how I ended up there, other than a random thought on my walk that took on larger-than-life proportions.
The funny thing is, the more I let myself be carried along by a Bigger Plan (I'm not even completely sure where to!), the more peaceful and at ease I feel. It's not that I'm not choosing a path, not that I'm not dreaming big - but I can see the stirrings of things beyond even those dreams. Somehow allowing myself to work with and not against the forces in my life is giving me more of a sense of direction than any plans I could lay and try to carry out on my own.
Again, that's where intuition, trust and a willingness to simply connect the dots comes in. That "follow the open doors, don't bang your head against the closed ones" mantra is what I'm trying to apply to each day's living. Although some glimpses of what may be scare the heck out of me, it's more exciting than terrifiying when I see things coming together in directions I couldn't have imagined.
I'm glad I didn't hit publish last night. That I instead took a step back, realized I don't need to fight (but do need to put in the hard work required), and lifted my eyes to the bigger picture.
Here's to another day of open doors! :-)
That post that nearly got published was indeed a fight against fate, if you will. A delving into insecurities and doubt, trying to find a way to make things happen instead of simply letting them happen. A muddling circle-the-drain look at inner conflicts I wasn't sure I knew how to handle, and which I was trying to sort out all on my own, without taking into account the broader sweep of where my life is headed. A struggle that left me in tears and confusion, locked too far inside my head in a tangle of thoughts. I'm not even sure how I ended up there, other than a random thought on my walk that took on larger-than-life proportions.
The funny thing is, the more I let myself be carried along by a Bigger Plan (I'm not even completely sure where to!), the more peaceful and at ease I feel. It's not that I'm not choosing a path, not that I'm not dreaming big - but I can see the stirrings of things beyond even those dreams. Somehow allowing myself to work with and not against the forces in my life is giving me more of a sense of direction than any plans I could lay and try to carry out on my own.
Again, that's where intuition, trust and a willingness to simply connect the dots comes in. That "follow the open doors, don't bang your head against the closed ones" mantra is what I'm trying to apply to each day's living. Although some glimpses of what may be scare the heck out of me, it's more exciting than terrifiying when I see things coming together in directions I couldn't have imagined.
I'm glad I didn't hit publish last night. That I instead took a step back, realized I don't need to fight (but do need to put in the hard work required), and lifted my eyes to the bigger picture.
Here's to another day of open doors! :-)
ParentCycle
I think I'm a pretty good single mom - although I've had it easier than most, with no messy custody battles or divorce or whatever.
Yet I know I'm not always a good one. At least twice in my son's life I've parented by habit, not putting my whole heart into it or giving it my best shot. I've merely drifted through providing the shelter, food, schedule, necessary payments etc - without providing all the emotional support and demonstrated love I should or could.
I think that's where having two parents kicks in. A colleague of mine (also mom to one of my best guy friends) once told me that she and her husband parented their sons in cycles - one could handle a certain age better than the other and took over, and gradually the balance shifted the other way again. When you're only one though, there's not that option.
I don't think it's a cop-out of responsibility. More a wear-out of just not feeling able to cope with giving everything anymore, so you end up resting, treading water. It doesn't make you a terrible parent - no-one's a superhero after all - it just makes you human.
I've found myself dipping into that again lately - probably at the worst time I could, with the kid hitting teen years and all those hormones, growing pains, direction-finding etc kicking in. Which only piles on the guilt!
But I think I'm getting better at it, and it's not life-threatening. He's old enough not to be completely dependent on me 24/7, and I've simply put in more in-depth time instead of long blocks of it. When we do things together, we do them well. When we're not doing things together, he's living his life and I'm living mine - still in the same house, the same family, always connected, but with reliance on me slowly streching into a thinner and thinner line as he gains his independence.
In spite of all my parenting experiments, stumbling moments and the occasional big mistake, he's still alive - I must be doing OK. :-)
(says she, before the teen years really get going.... watch this space!)
Yet I know I'm not always a good one. At least twice in my son's life I've parented by habit, not putting my whole heart into it or giving it my best shot. I've merely drifted through providing the shelter, food, schedule, necessary payments etc - without providing all the emotional support and demonstrated love I should or could.
I think that's where having two parents kicks in. A colleague of mine (also mom to one of my best guy friends) once told me that she and her husband parented their sons in cycles - one could handle a certain age better than the other and took over, and gradually the balance shifted the other way again. When you're only one though, there's not that option.
I don't think it's a cop-out of responsibility. More a wear-out of just not feeling able to cope with giving everything anymore, so you end up resting, treading water. It doesn't make you a terrible parent - no-one's a superhero after all - it just makes you human.
I've found myself dipping into that again lately - probably at the worst time I could, with the kid hitting teen years and all those hormones, growing pains, direction-finding etc kicking in. Which only piles on the guilt!
But I think I'm getting better at it, and it's not life-threatening. He's old enough not to be completely dependent on me 24/7, and I've simply put in more in-depth time instead of long blocks of it. When we do things together, we do them well. When we're not doing things together, he's living his life and I'm living mine - still in the same house, the same family, always connected, but with reliance on me slowly streching into a thinner and thinner line as he gains his independence.
In spite of all my parenting experiments, stumbling moments and the occasional big mistake, he's still alive - I must be doing OK. :-)
(says she, before the teen years really get going.... watch this space!)
Free!
I've just realized my son has an overnight camp coming up in 2 weeks, leaving me home alone! It's been a while - I don't exactly have a babysitter lined up so rarely end up with a night out/off all to myself (hmmm.. need to fix that!).
Now... what shall I do with my free night? Last year's camp night I nearly asked an unsuspecting younger bloke out on a date - but took a good (female) friend out to dinner instead. This year? Gonna have to give it some serious thought and make the best of it.
Yeah I know, I'm a boring old fart who spends her life at home in her slippers. Totally uninspired, anti-social, all that stuff. Eish, I may as well become one of those crazy cat ladies!
So blow me away - inspire me! Leave me a night-off wishlist (go wild!) in the comments and help me out! Please?!? :-)
Now... what shall I do with my free night? Last year's camp night I nearly asked an unsuspecting younger bloke out on a date - but took a good (female) friend out to dinner instead. This year? Gonna have to give it some serious thought and make the best of it.
Yeah I know, I'm a boring old fart who spends her life at home in her slippers. Totally uninspired, anti-social, all that stuff. Eish, I may as well become one of those crazy cat ladies!
So blow me away - inspire me! Leave me a night-off wishlist (go wild!) in the comments and help me out! Please?!? :-)
Now comes the hard part
I spouted forth recently about where I'm at in matters spiritual. This weekend I'm going to have to carefully rephrase it, as well as where I'm at in a whole pile of other areas I haven't blogged about - and then try and fit it into a framework that others will understand.
You see, I'm going to be spending time with relatives who think they know me well. Who do in fact know the me I was 6 months ago, but don't know about some subtle but very big inner changes that have taken place. The ones that have me feeling settled, certain and peaceful - but which may throw them off balance when I try to explain it!
It's going to be hard to put into terms that are within their understanding, to create the word-pictures that they'll see without them going off into a panic that I've fallen off the edge of sanity. It isn't going to be easy trying to portray something my soul knows and feels, for which there are no words. Nor will it be a simple job to allay their inevitable fears and startled questions - I've been there before and I know it will happen again.
At the same time though I know they will not judge me for my journey. I've already done a lot of things that surprised them and gave them panic attacks - a few more shouldn't make that much difference... ;-)
Still, I find myself mentally drawing in a breath, finding words ahead of time, plotting how to put it so they will understand. Not easy at all! But I don't need to rush it - we'll be away from the madding crowds and able to move at a snail's pace through conversation and getting to know each other again.
Things like this make me realize we should really keep in more regular contact. Then I wouldn't have to explain myself half as often as I need to now!
You see, I'm going to be spending time with relatives who think they know me well. Who do in fact know the me I was 6 months ago, but don't know about some subtle but very big inner changes that have taken place. The ones that have me feeling settled, certain and peaceful - but which may throw them off balance when I try to explain it!
It's going to be hard to put into terms that are within their understanding, to create the word-pictures that they'll see without them going off into a panic that I've fallen off the edge of sanity. It isn't going to be easy trying to portray something my soul knows and feels, for which there are no words. Nor will it be a simple job to allay their inevitable fears and startled questions - I've been there before and I know it will happen again.
At the same time though I know they will not judge me for my journey. I've already done a lot of things that surprised them and gave them panic attacks - a few more shouldn't make that much difference... ;-)
Still, I find myself mentally drawing in a breath, finding words ahead of time, plotting how to put it so they will understand. Not easy at all! But I don't need to rush it - we'll be away from the madding crowds and able to move at a snail's pace through conversation and getting to know each other again.
Things like this make me realize we should really keep in more regular contact. Then I wouldn't have to explain myself half as often as I need to now!
Nifty Bits
In between all my regular work, I'm in the process of trying to get my head around some new stuff for the website-design side of things. Although the current site is adequate (and a vast improvement on the last one!), I keep running into ways I'd like to improve it. It's content-rich, but there's so much more that could be added, and interactivity is not where it should be. It's a bit boring too, to tell the truth.
At the moment I'm trying to figure out Moodle. We're hoping to get groups of users to create their own content, take some things online, and make it easier for a lot to happen (from grading to teaching to class interaction). There are a few of us mulling how to go about it (and getting side-tracked into other opensource stuff), but in the end it seems to rest with me to get it working. I also have to test and get running a few innovations that we haven't tried before. Considering I've basically taught myself everything I know, I don't think I'm doing too badly! :-)
Trouble is, there's just so much cool stuff out there. So much to try get the head around and learn enough to make it work. And it's changing every day! To have a site up that corresponds to all the new and exciting trends in design and functionality takes a whole lot of effort and time - both of which are in short supply for me at the moment as I rush through trying to keep up with my regular duties too. Yet I keep running across things online that make me want to dig deeper and learn more. Knowledge simply doesn't end, and unfortunately I can't know it all. More's the pity - I'd like to!
In the meantime I'm dealing with basics, just starting the learning in many areas. It would be great to lock myself away during working hours and do this undisturbed. Life takes over though, and large blocks of uninterrupted time are hard to come by.
Still - there's some pretty nifty things happening. Stuff that makes me go "wow" when I come across it. Whether it's a system that's tweaked, a user-related insight, or an easier way to present things on the screen, people are doing it. Every day there's something new, some "beyond" being reached, boundaries being pushed, collaborations happening and ideas popping up to amaze you. A lot of it is freely available - a recognition of the value of many minds working and reworking an idea into directions one brain wouldn't have been able to.
Perhaps that's what I need. Another brain! One devoted to the nifty bits, that can sit on my desk and process everything in peace, then tell me what to do next.
At the moment I'm trying to figure out Moodle. We're hoping to get groups of users to create their own content, take some things online, and make it easier for a lot to happen (from grading to teaching to class interaction). There are a few of us mulling how to go about it (and getting side-tracked into other opensource stuff), but in the end it seems to rest with me to get it working. I also have to test and get running a few innovations that we haven't tried before. Considering I've basically taught myself everything I know, I don't think I'm doing too badly! :-)
Trouble is, there's just so much cool stuff out there. So much to try get the head around and learn enough to make it work. And it's changing every day! To have a site up that corresponds to all the new and exciting trends in design and functionality takes a whole lot of effort and time - both of which are in short supply for me at the moment as I rush through trying to keep up with my regular duties too. Yet I keep running across things online that make me want to dig deeper and learn more. Knowledge simply doesn't end, and unfortunately I can't know it all. More's the pity - I'd like to!
In the meantime I'm dealing with basics, just starting the learning in many areas. It would be great to lock myself away during working hours and do this undisturbed. Life takes over though, and large blocks of uninterrupted time are hard to come by.
Still - there's some pretty nifty things happening. Stuff that makes me go "wow" when I come across it. Whether it's a system that's tweaked, a user-related insight, or an easier way to present things on the screen, people are doing it. Every day there's something new, some "beyond" being reached, boundaries being pushed, collaborations happening and ideas popping up to amaze you. A lot of it is freely available - a recognition of the value of many minds working and reworking an idea into directions one brain wouldn't have been able to.
Perhaps that's what I need. Another brain! One devoted to the nifty bits, that can sit on my desk and process everything in peace, then tell me what to do next.
It's not that I have nothing to say...
... really it isn't! It's just that I have been soooo busy lately. Which makes me hoard the off-minutes even more than normal, stretching them out for all they're worth and guarding them against any kind of intrusion.
But here's a few things that have me feeling vaguely excited today:
The paths I choose though will be what my soul recognizes as being perfectly right, a complete fit, a calm certainty. Including those ones that sometimes seem way beyond my reach - and even if the end doesn't look anything like I thought it would.
Strange how lately I've been finding a whole lot of positive direction. Feels almost like I've finally started on the road that was planned for me all along!
But here's a few things that have me feeling vaguely excited today:
An opportunity to redesign a website that is drastically in need of an update - and which I just know I can turn into something incredibly awesome.So here I sit - a vague sense of anticipation in my soul, realizing that life has so much to offer that I really don't even know where to start! That I could go whirling off in a million different directions, and each of them would be fantastic.
JPG magazine - a chance to submit my photos for publishing! And you can too. Go check it out, it's very cool.
The realization that I have some pretty unique skills and views, which - once combined - can create some amazing stuff. If I just put a bit of faith in myself, and get rid of the self-doubt habit.
An idea for going viral with advertising for my workplace, which no-one else is doing - but which I've been gathering a lot of knowledge on without actually realizing it. A chance to do something so completely different and unthought-of, that it may.just.work! (provided certain restrictions don't kick in.. but am battling those furiously)
A light-bulb moment (it's been flickering for a while, but finally came on) that I don't have to try impress anyone but myself. The rest of the world either likes me or loathes me, but that's their choice. I am free to be Me, in all the strange variants I come in. And Me is actually pretty lekker! :-)
That stirring in the subconcious sprouting roots and shoots? - it's growing ever so slightly into the very beginnings of awesome possibility.
A rememberance of creativity - that my hands, my mind, my perspective can craft beauty from wood and words and light. And sharing that shouldn't scare me. In fact, it could form a major part of my future.
The paths I choose though will be what my soul recognizes as being perfectly right, a complete fit, a calm certainty. Including those ones that sometimes seem way beyond my reach - and even if the end doesn't look anything like I thought it would.
Strange how lately I've been finding a whole lot of positive direction. Feels almost like I've finally started on the road that was planned for me all along!
Change & Time
In the midst of rushing like a maniac here at work, I'm pinching off a few minutes to blog about idleness. Yup, a bit ironic... but anyway.Near the end of last week I came across "Quitting the Paint Factory" and it's related article "In Praise of Idleness" (the latter written in the 1930's). Reminded me of another early-century article I read about a year ago, "How to live on twenty-four hours a day". The common theme running through all of them is that our souls need time, and a lot of it, in order to function creatively, peacefully and constructively. If you spend your days running, drop exhausted every night into a vegetative state - that's not exactly living a balanced or complete life, is it?
Yesterday I felt stirrings of an idea growing - more a feeling than anything les, merely moving far below the surface of my conciousness. One of those "it just feels right" things that fortells change. It gave me a vision for big things in the future, changes that will shake up my world. It hinted at a time too - but it's the kind of thing that takes stillness and quiet to form into more than mere stirrings.
Already we're on an unconventional road with the whole schooling/unschooling thing, and that's flowing over into other areas of life, giving me a chance to see a lot of things from a completely different angle and imagine the "what if"s.
Last night as the sun sank I found myself deep in thought, sitting in the last rays of a warm day on my verandah, surrounded by silence (once the kid had turned down the sound on his PS2). Fragments of those three articles kept popping up in the brain, making random connections as I simply allowed my mind to wander. I realized there are doors standing half-open that I hadn't imagined could be. That there are opportunities for my wildest dreams to come true if I would but hear their insistent knocking. It was like lifting my mind's eye from the path to see the view - and realizing how good it is to be precisely where I am right now. A universe of possibility awaits, if I am willing to take the plunge.
Lately I find I'm craving those down-times, periods where I can simply be for a while and rest. Cutting the busyness gives an open space for the new to hit home, a place for it to settle and grow and expand into direction.
All a bit vague? Yeah, I know. If you want something that makes more sense - go read those links! :-)
Busy Sunday
I've spent the entire day outdoors - a blush of sun on my face and hint of extra blonde in the hair bears witness to it. Scratches, dents, bruises and the odd embedded thorn are indicators of just what I did outside - sorted out the garden!
Although a bit on the windy side, after the last few day's rain today was lovely and warm and sunny. Perfect for diving in and doing a lot of things I've neglected. First up though was a trip to my local garden centre to stock up on potting soil, compost, kraalmis, 2 punnets of seedlings (basil and lettuce varieties) and a couple of seed packets - oh, and some weedeater cable too, as it only just made it through the last lawn-attacking episode before it ran out.
Back home I dumped it all in the yard and set to. First up - daisy bush. It had grown so huge that half of it was dead, and some of the branches had started to sprout roots where they touched soil. So it got severely chopped back, and the sprouty bits planted out along the boundry with the neighbours. I ended up with leftovers in a pile as high as I am tall! Next job - repotting things. The spider lily got divided into 5 pots, the rose that wasn't doing well in shady soil got a potting in a sunny place. The already-done roses were treated to a weed-removal and compost layer. Avo seedling and Adam fig (black figs) mini-trees have new homes on the slope below my house, outside of my property - and protected from the garden services guys by fencing. They're in places where the view won't be blocked by the time they're full grown, and I hope they'll one day produce good things for all who pass by. The birds were up next - a new feeder tray for the fruit eaters hammered into the fence post - an item I liberated from the maintenance scrap heap yesterday afternoon. (During all this time the washing was being done too... true multi-tasking! :-) ) The rose bed by the fence got a going-over to remove grass and check on Justin Thyme's growth - yeah I know, we're really corny. Also got a layer of compost. Final task - the strawberries were uprooted, seperated and replanted - we now have 13 plants instead of 5! Chinese garlic chives - same story. All other empty (of useful things, full of grass) pots were turned out into the fern and mint patch, under cover of the arums.
And now the sun's going down so gardening is at an end.
Still to accomplish are the remainder of the veggie bed - with seeds of two kinds of tomato, bush green beans, cucumbers, chilies, baby marrows (zucchini) and echinacea to go in. The basil and lettuce seedlings will get a spot too, but for now they're on the table that houses my son's cactus collection, still in their 6-pack punnets. The rosemary, parsley, one rose, geranium, fennel and arums already in that bed may be moved a bit to improve companion planting options. Now that the daisy bushes are done, I can give the lawn a decent cut too. The arums need dead-heading and leaf removal. One small flower bed is a bit overgrown with grass so that will be sorted out and the irises replanted in a good place. Still trying to find the best spot for the elephant ear plant, which has been moved a few times but is certainly not in the right place yet.
I'm left grubby and sweaty and tinted nicely brown (should have worn a bikini! :-) ). The hands just had some serious attention - a scrub, gel-cleanse and moisturizer combo that's left them feeling more like hands and less like bark. Whatever dirt still is under the nails has been painted over with this week's coat of nail polish... :-) And I can tell when I hit the bath later all those cuts on my arms are going to be felt.
But I've done a lot. I've spent the day away from this screen and got the garden into the first semblance of summer order. With the sun setting later and later, evenings can once again be spent happily hands-in-dirt post-walk.
Summer? Bring it on!
Although a bit on the windy side, after the last few day's rain today was lovely and warm and sunny. Perfect for diving in and doing a lot of things I've neglected. First up though was a trip to my local garden centre to stock up on potting soil, compost, kraalmis, 2 punnets of seedlings (basil and lettuce varieties) and a couple of seed packets - oh, and some weedeater cable too, as it only just made it through the last lawn-attacking episode before it ran out.
Back home I dumped it all in the yard and set to. First up - daisy bush. It had grown so huge that half of it was dead, and some of the branches had started to sprout roots where they touched soil. So it got severely chopped back, and the sprouty bits planted out along the boundry with the neighbours. I ended up with leftovers in a pile as high as I am tall! Next job - repotting things. The spider lily got divided into 5 pots, the rose that wasn't doing well in shady soil got a potting in a sunny place. The already-done roses were treated to a weed-removal and compost layer. Avo seedling and Adam fig (black figs) mini-trees have new homes on the slope below my house, outside of my property - and protected from the garden services guys by fencing. They're in places where the view won't be blocked by the time they're full grown, and I hope they'll one day produce good things for all who pass by. The birds were up next - a new feeder tray for the fruit eaters hammered into the fence post - an item I liberated from the maintenance scrap heap yesterday afternoon. (During all this time the washing was being done too... true multi-tasking! :-) ) The rose bed by the fence got a going-over to remove grass and check on Justin Thyme's growth - yeah I know, we're really corny. Also got a layer of compost. Final task - the strawberries were uprooted, seperated and replanted - we now have 13 plants instead of 5! Chinese garlic chives - same story. All other empty (of useful things, full of grass) pots were turned out into the fern and mint patch, under cover of the arums.
And now the sun's going down so gardening is at an end.
Still to accomplish are the remainder of the veggie bed - with seeds of two kinds of tomato, bush green beans, cucumbers, chilies, baby marrows (zucchini) and echinacea to go in. The basil and lettuce seedlings will get a spot too, but for now they're on the table that houses my son's cactus collection, still in their 6-pack punnets. The rosemary, parsley, one rose, geranium, fennel and arums already in that bed may be moved a bit to improve companion planting options. Now that the daisy bushes are done, I can give the lawn a decent cut too. The arums need dead-heading and leaf removal. One small flower bed is a bit overgrown with grass so that will be sorted out and the irises replanted in a good place. Still trying to find the best spot for the elephant ear plant, which has been moved a few times but is certainly not in the right place yet.
I'm left grubby and sweaty and tinted nicely brown (should have worn a bikini! :-) ). The hands just had some serious attention - a scrub, gel-cleanse and moisturizer combo that's left them feeling more like hands and less like bark. Whatever dirt still is under the nails has been painted over with this week's coat of nail polish... :-) And I can tell when I hit the bath later all those cuts on my arms are going to be felt.
But I've done a lot. I've spent the day away from this screen and got the garden into the first semblance of summer order. With the sun setting later and later, evenings can once again be spent happily hands-in-dirt post-walk.
Summer? Bring it on!
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